


The Difference in Romance and Tragedy

by TranscendentalSpaceGem



Series: Matching Contradictions [2]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternative Perspective, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bittersweet, Body Dysphoria, Changing Tenses, Dirty Thoughts, F/M, First Dates, Fluff and Angst, Homecoming, Lot of cute flirting, Lot of inner turmoil, Mention of blood, Mentioned Briefly by Connie, POV Alternating, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sequel, They think about sex here and there, Trans Connie Maheswaran, Trans Female Character, True Love, it's a mixed bag, no sexual content though, they're teenagers, trans connie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-30
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:20:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 25,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24452764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TranscendentalSpaceGem/pseuds/TranscendentalSpaceGem
Summary: Months after a proposal gone wrong things between Steven and Connie are still a bit tense and unclear.Steven thinks a first date is exactly what they need to sort it all out and Connie agrees... except this isn't her first date!Heartbroken Connie would go out with anyone but him, Steven insists on taking her to her Homecoming Dance. Connie has some other secrets she would rather keep hidden though and as it turns out being together isn't as easy as they thought...True love is supposed to be romantic, so why does it feel so tragic?A sequel to "All's Not Fair With Love and War."
Relationships: Connie Maheswaran/Steven Universe
Series: Matching Contradictions [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1766158
Comments: 52
Kudos: 64





	1. Heart Attack

**Author's Note:**

> This is a sequel to my Connie fic. It was supposed to be short but it ballooned up. The themes from that fic will (hopefully) carry over into this fic so things will get heavy. I seriously suggest reading that one first but I don't think it's an absolue requirement to understand this one. A fair warning: I have a... unique interpretation of the Connverse relationship some of you might not appreciate. You're getting Steven angst along with your Connie angst this time around but by the later chapters there will probably be a significant shift to Connie. I'm aiming for a happy ending though.

It's not really the time for first dates.

Though most times Steven feels like it's never the time for anything. Dr. Kim says that the most important thing he can do right now is move forward. His life doesn't have to, and in fact it shouldn't, stop because of his mental illness. Life is meant to be lived and all that inspirational junk he used to honestly believe in. Still honestly believes in, not used to, does. He has to remind himself. He hasn't lost that. He still believes in the innate goodness of life and people and in his own goodness. He still believes almost everything he's ever preached to be the truth. It's just farther away now. It's harder to see.

He reaches out to the fogged up mirror. He puts his hand flat on it but he doesn't swipe. It's not good to do that to the glass, wipe the condensation off. They say it leaves behind streaks that will eventually ruin the mirror. It won't reflect anything after. He won't be able to see himself in it. Slowly but also a little roughly, Steven pushes his hand across a few times to clear it. Just until he can see himself. He’s still pretty short for a teenage boy so that’s not that much of the mirror.

His curls are patted down against his head from his shower. His skin is red because the water was too hot. He is frowning and that doesn't seem right. Excitement and nerves should be making him positively giddy. He wants to feel it. He forces the corners of his mouth up in hopes that helps. He hears if you make yourself smile long enough eventually you start to feel better. Something about triggering the endorphins in your brain since it responds to the physical motions of your body. He’s been learning a lot more about how his mind should work since seeing Connie’s mom in the hospital. He can't hold it for even a minute though. His mouth drops back into a frown as he opens the cabinet behind the mirror. Whose ridiculous idea was this?

Oh, right. His.

* * *

Connie came over to see him a lot more often than she had been doing up until his panic attack turned monster attack on Beach City. They didn't talk much and they didn't do much together. She just brought her homework over so they could exist inside the same space for a few hours. It wasn't awkward. He didn't sense any guilt or pity on her part. It didn't stop him from feeling like a huge pile of weight draped on her thankfully toned-enough-to-handle-it body but at least they both knew what it was. He wasn't waiting anymore for an epiphany he felt hanging out with her would bring to him. Despite that awful day on the beach Connie was not his savior, no one could “save” him. It was still nice to be with someone the way he was when he was with her. Just her. It was a calm he felt with no one else. Not his dad or the gems or even his therapist.

Connie was packing her bag to leave and a piece of paper fluttered out to the floor. She didn't notice it as she tried to stuff every book she brought back into her bag. He could probably save her a lot of trouble by hanging out at her place instead. They would have to be in the living room or dining room though. Probably in full view of her parents. He wasn't allowed in Connie's room even with the door open. Steven is semi-confident Dr. and Mr. Maheswaran like him fine. However he is still a young man on the cusp of adulthood and they don't want him alone with their teenage daughter. He guessed that her parents don't know that most of the time they are at his place he is very much alone with her. Her parents probably also don’t know they have shared a bed before (and her parents definitely don't know they have shared a _body_ ). There had even been a few rare times he awoke with her entangled around him in an intimate way neither like nor unlike the sort of thing her parents are worried about. He was always up before her and more than once he had just laid there, content to indulge in all the places they connected. His legs wrapped up in her legs. His stomach fat being loosely cupped by her hand. His head being supported by her shoulder and neck. His arm pressing into her chest. His hip fitting snugly into her pelvis. It was messy and slightly uncomfortable in certain spots as they had clumsily sought each other out for warmth and companionship in their sleep.

Admittedly he had mentally gone back to those times (along with many other memories of Connie) quite a few times while he got to know his body better. Physical attraction wasn't _absent_ from their relationship after all, it had just never been the driving force behind whatever drew them together. Honestly Steven isn’t sure any of the human parents in their lives understood that. The gems however, Garnet especially, saw nothing strange in the way Steven clung to Connie. He wanted to have her to himself in these moments. His desire to (eventually) have sex with her had nothing to do with it. He just didn't want to share their private space with anyone else. Letting others in would nullify the comfort that he gained from it.

Steven rolled off his bed onto his feet to pick up the paper that was making a home at the end of his bed. He had assumed it was either homework or college prep work. She had to be thorough when she studied there or she wouldn't be allowed to do it. He uncrumpled it without thinking, even though he barely understood what she was learning. However he didn't find coursework but instead a flyer. His eyes scanned it quickly before he looked at her, still forcing her things into her bag.

"What's Homecoming?" he asked, timidly. He hated when human stuff evaded his knowledge.

Connie looked up at him from her spot on his floor, "What?"

He presented her with the ripped, stained, almost completely ruined paper, "Homecoming? What is it for?"

"Oh. Yeah, I guess you wouldn't know what that is, huh?"

He felt shame tint his face. It was silly. Connie knew about the gaps in his understanding of human culture, especially when it came to things related to school. He had seen Homecoming depicted in movies. So he knew basically what it was. He knew it was a dance, something that he also saw in movies. He knew it was bigger than a normal dance, though not as big as Prom. He knew people dressed nicely for it. What he didn't know was why. He also hadn't really known it was an actual thing that schools did for awhile (along with Prom). It always felt like something someone made up for a movie and other people just copied the idea. He was almost fifteen when he found out that they were real.

Connie took the paper from him, "It's just a big, fancy dance."

"I know that!" He cleared his throat and repeated much calmer, “I mean I know that.”

She wasn’t even phased by his snapping and recovery attempt. "Then why did you ask?"

"I don't understand what it's for.”

Connie shrugged, “It’s just to celebrate the school year starting. It’s like a welcome back party. They also put a bunch of seniors on a “royal court” that’s basically a big popularity contest.”

“Uhh, seniors?”

“Senior means your last year in high school. Each year has a name."

“Okay. And you’re a..?”

“Sophomore.”

Steven didn’t know what that actually meant so he ignored it instead asking her, “So it's not different from other dances?"

She thought for a moment, "I mean maybe it's different. I wouldn't really know."

"What do you mean?"

She had gone back to trying to force her bag to shut and wasn’t looking at him. "I don't usually go to school dances."

"Why not? You love dancing.”

"I just got into the habit of not going. It's no fun to go by yourself. And no one ever wanted to go with me." She was speaking almost off-handedly, without putting much thought into her words. Connie's tongue could be a dangerous thing whenever she did that. "Actually, a guy did ask me a few months ago but we didn't really have a good time so-"

She was interrupted by Steven letting out a loud, anguished noise. He doubled over as a sharp pain shot through his body and he grabbed his chest. A very real physical ache took hold over his entire torso emanating from his left pectoral. It throbbed with a rough, strong and steady pulse in exactly the place his heart was.

Connie sprung to her feet and reached out towards him with a panicked, “Steven!”

"You went on a date with another guy?!" Fighting off the intense pain he forced the words out, only to hate the way he had said it immediately afterward. _Another guy._ It sounded so possessive. As if she owed him not to date anyone when the closest he ever came to asking her out himself was to jump to proposing they marry and permafuse into Stevonnie. It was presumptuous of him to even think, let alone say out loud. He isn’t that guy. He's not some dangerously jealous boyfriend. He doesn’t think of Connie that way. He respects her and her agency. Yet the organ in his chest pounded in double time in the hopes of expelling the unpleasant feeling.

Shame overtook her face. It looked like she felt guilty. The thought came without his permission; _She should!_

"No! It wasn't like that… I mean it was like that but I didn't know that it was like that. You know I'm not good in social situations. He asked me to go with him and some of our friends. I thought he meant-" She cut herself off and sighed heavily, "I didn't enjoy it. That was my point."

He forced himself to stand back up, feeling his heart calm somewhat upon hearing that. He took a few deep breaths as he had been practicing in therapy. He checked to see if he was pink or had increased in size and was happy to find neither. She waited, saying nothing as the pain eased up and the ache turned dull even as the pounding continued, “Why didn’t you tell me?” 

She looked away from him, still red-faced and she gestured her hand along all of him. She was trying to politely say without saying, ‘I knew how badly you would take it.’ Though she was probably surprised to have caused him a nearly literal heartbreak. He was ashamed of that. Steven doesn’t want Connie to think she couldn’t tell him things, to feel like she couldn’t be honest with him. He doesn’t want to be another person in her life she had to hide stuff from. She shoved the offending paper into her sweater pocket. Technically that was the end of their conversation. She had answered his questions. There was nothing left to say on the matter.

"Is that why you don't go to dances? Because you didn't have fun even when you had a date?"

"Well, yeah.” She shrugged, “Or at least that’s probably part of it.”

"Do you think you would have had fun if you were there with someone else?"

Connie searched his face as if trying to read his meaning behind that. It wasn’t going to do her any good though because even Steven didn't know if he was talking about himself or just some other person that she actually understood was asking her out. 

"I don't know. Maybe."

_Maybe...?_

They stood in silence. Her breathing was uneven. He felt bad that he had embarrassed her. Especially considering it was all over an assumption on his part. An unfair one at that because Connie didn’t have to explain her actions. She didn’t _belong_ to him. Even if she was “his girl” whatever she did was her business to choose to share with him or not. She shouldn’t feel bad for doing something as innocent as she had but she did and that was all his fault. He tried to calm his heart so it might fully release him. That just made it pump even harder, increasing the pain level again.

"But you said not now."

"I know."

"Were you lying?"

"Of course not! Do you really think I would lie to you about that?"

"Then- I don't understand."

She sighed again, unable to fully face him. She looked like she had aged about ten years in only a second when she turned back. "It's all just a bit confusing, isn't it? You and me?"

"No." The word came to him so easily. Everything with Connie was easy. When it was just him and her, life was easy. 

"Oh." She held her still open bag in front of her like a shield. Her face had shifted to a mix of shock and worsening embarrassment informing him that she did not find their relationship as simple as he did. "It is for me, sometimes."

"What do you mean?" Each thud seemed like it was threatening to break his ribcage open so his heart could free itself from pain. In his mind he saw it burst from his body and explode into a bloody mess at their feet. He tried not to think too hard about that, fearing if he did then it might actually happen.

"I'm- I'm not really sure I know how to answer that, Steven."

"Well, could you try?"

Connie dropped her bag back to the floor. She sat on his bed and he followed suit. She rubbed her temples for a moment then said, "It's just- we're so young. We have our whole lives ahead of us. Both of us. There's a lot of stuff I want to do and so much I want to see. And there's things that I want to experience..."

"Like dating?"

"I mean it's not at the top of my list." She sighed again, "But I guess, yeah. A little bit."

"So what?" He tried to keep the hurt out of his voice and looked away from her but he could feel that he’d already started to cry so it was pointless. "You want me to wait while you date around for a little while and then we’ll get married? Is that what not now means?"

He _would_ wait for her because of course he would. She was the great love of his life. Even if she wanted to date every person in the state of Delmarva before finally settling down with him, he would still wait. It didn’t seem particularly fair or kind on her part though. She put her hand on his shoulder. Then when he looked at her she put her other hand to his face. She was looking at him the way she always did when she couldn’t believe how foolish he was being. The question “how could that possibly be what’s going on in your head right now?” on her face while her eyes shined with assurance in a way that said, “I adore you, you silly boy.” He held her hand that was on his face with his own and leaned his cheek into her palm.

"I didn't say that. I don't want to date around. Especially not when I know that I'm going to spend my life with you. It's just-" She couldn't look directly at him. Her fingers on his shoulder tightened to a painful degree for a silent minute. Finally she whispered, “Steven, I don’t want to marry you before my life even starts.”

He grabbed her hand on his shoulder as well in an attempt to encourage her to look at him. "Then what do you want?"

"I don't know." She didn't look at him again until she moved closer, "Well, no. I do know I want you."

"Okay," he said slowly, moving just a tiny bit closer to her as well, "I want you too."

Connie gave a half-laugh, "I suppose that's as good a place as any to start."

“I guess so.” He didn’t actually agree though. That didn’t get them anywhere because they both already knew that. Silence fell over them. Not the comfortable kind they normally enjoyed but the bad kind. The awkward kind no one knows how to properly navigate. It was a forgien state for his relationship with Connie. It wasn’t that they were never awkward with each other. It had just always felt strangely fulfilling. The kind of sweet puppy love that felt like a soft tickling in his chest and belly as a kid or the kind of intense burning desire that felt like it pulsed through his blood as a teenager. An awkwardness he didn’t know how to deal with but still felt good. This awkwardness made him want to dig through the earth to spend the rest of his natural life in a bubble with the cluster.

“What if- I mean that- I guess.” She floundered around some more trying to say whatever it was she wanted to say. He looked over her hoping for a clue to help. He noticed the paper peeking out from her pocket. His heart had picked up pace again but this time it wasn’t due to heartache.

“Maybe we should go out,” he said, catching her attention and causing her meandering thoughts to freeze.

“What?” she voiced the same confusion he felt despite him having been the one to suggest it, “You mean… like on a date?”

“Yeah. Yeah!” He suddenly became very excited, “Let’s go on a date!”

“Is that what you want?”

“Is it what you want?”

Connie thought for far too long in his opinion even though it had only been a couple seconds. Soon though a wide smile overtook her face, “Actually, yeah, I think so.”

Steven couldn’t help but smile back, “That’s great!”

“Okay,” she giggled before silence fell again. They were holding hands between their bodies but Connie was glancing between him and everywhere else in the room. She was still smiling in that nervous way he knew he was smiling too. She tapped her thumbs on the back of his hands. She bit down on her lip as she raised her eyebrows as if she was asking him a question. It looked like she was waiting for something. Until eventually she asked him in that teasing way of hers, "So are you going to ask me out or not?"

_Oh!_

“Connie.” He turned to face her better, lifting her hands up to his chest. He thought about taking this seriously for a moment but only for a moment, “Would you grant me the honor of enjoying your company for a romantic evening later this week? Or if not, next week. Or I guess whatever night you’re free.”

She giggled again before giving him a coy look and pulling a hand away to put to her own chest, “Why, Ser Universe, art thou formally requesting to court me?”

“Uhh. If-est that means I can-est take-eth you out-est on a date-eth, then yes… eth.”

“I accept.”

“Alright!” He pumped his free hand in victory and Connie laughed again. There was a unique brand of euphoria that came with having the person he liked say “yes” when he asked them out that provided Steven with a rare sense of normalcy. There was nothing quite like having a real human experience. The elation from her agreement led to the return of that good awkwardness. That romantic tension that teenagers simultaneously loved and hated. His heart was pounding hard again but in a different not painful way. He was taking Connie out on a date and he couldn't be happier about it.

* * *

Steven drys off his face having finished shaving and washing it. He rubs rougher than he has to. He actually likes the way he looks with a little bit of facial hair but it still grows too patchy for a full beard. His dad is a hairy guy though so he’s hopeful genetics will be in his favor on this one. He doesn't think stubble is really appropriate for tonight. Especially given the setting of his date.

He sighs as he puts everything away and shuts the cabinet. He starts dressing for the night ahead of him but he can't stop thinking about his face in the mirror. He's going on his first date. A date with Connie. The girl he's been in love with since he was 13. Why does he look so damn miserable about it? He hadn’t been sad in the days leading up to this so why now? What's wrong with him? He doesn't have much experience with romance and dating (although he's definitely done a fair share of romantic things for Connie) but he assumes first date jitters aren't meant to be this intense. He's also pretty sure they're supposed to stem from elation and not dread.

He catches a glimpse of his back in the mirror as he is shrugging his shirt on. It's long enough for him to have seen the large, splotchy pink scar that now runs from up by his shoulder blades all the way down to his tailbone. It’s only made worse by the fact that he hadn’t realized the shirt he picked is almost the exact same shade of pink of the scar. After that he decides he's done in the bathroom. He quickly buttons up his shirt and carries the rest of his outfit out of the room to finish getting dressed.

The house had been empty when he had gone into the shower. Since then though his dad, Pearl and Amethyst have all made their way into the living room area. They're all comfortable on the couch with boxes of records around them and his dad's record player set up on the table. However the second he walks out of the bathroom their full focus shifts over to him. He pulls on his black vest in hopes of focusing on that and avoiding their eyes but he is aware of them watching him. He's getting used to all the attention they give him but it still makes him squirm, embarrassed in a way he never was as a kid. Most people who knew him when he was younger might have even called Steven a showboat. Once he looks up he sees whatever their project is they've completely abandoned it.

"Hey Sctu-ball, we figured it was you in the shower." Them deciding to then wait for him to finish and come out goes unsaid. They worry too much. Probably to make up for not worrying enough.

"Hi, guys." He tucks his loose tie under his collar to tie even though he would rather do it in front of a mirror. One of them will most likely follow after him if he tries to go upstairs alone though. He appreciates how much care they've been giving him recently, it can just get overwhelming.

"Dude, what's with the whole get-up?" Amethyst asks as he struggles without eyes to actually put on his tie. She's the best at being normal with him.

"Amethyst!" Pearl snaps before saying much more kindly, "You look very handsome, Steven."

"Yeah, you're looking sharp, kiddo." His dad winks before running his hand through his own hair. "You clean up just as good as your old man."

"Yes," Pearl continues as Steven tries to listen to them while focusing on his task. She reaches forward to assist him and he chooses not to fight her on it. "But why exactly are you dressed up in the first place?"

"It’s nothing," he says with his hands up after Pearl releases him with his bowtie tied. He's not sure why he hasn't told them nor why he doesn't want to tell them. There is an obvious, nervous energy in his voice as he continues. “I just have plans. That’s all.”

The three share a cautious look for a long enough time for him to notice it before his father clears his throat. "Steven, you're not going anywhere tonight unless you tell us where you're going and who you're going with."

He fights not to roll his eyes. His dad signed the form Steven needed to go with Connie tonight so he should know about it. That undercuts his attempt to play a responsible father. Telling them is inevitable but that doesn't mean he wants to do it. To be honest he is not exactly sure how they'll react to it. The way he and Connie feel about each other is far from a secret to anybody in either of their lives. As far as he knows his dad and the gems all really like her too. They have been so protective of him lately however. Almost hovering over him. Still there’s not much of a chance of this going over badly.

"I'm taking Connie to her Homecoming dance tonight." He speaks much more confidently when he answers them this time. Pearl and Amethyst look confused so he clarifies. "It's a fancy party for the students at her school. I'm going with her."

Another cautious look flashes between the three of them. He decides to explain before they ask, “And yes, this is a date.”

He turns away after he says it and pretends to fix the cuffs of his sleeves. Whatever they have to say, he wants them to say it so he can move on with his night. He is already anxious to leave and pick her up. They all remain quiet for a stretch of time.

"That's great!" his dad finally says in that way he does when he is prepping a negative opinion with something positive, "But are you sure it's a good idea, son? It sounds like a lot of people…"

"Yeah and?" He challenges his father. Amethyst and Pearl look like they agree. He knows what they're thinking but he is not letting them off easy. He wants them to say it. He wants them to admit they think he can't handle it.

"Come on, Ste-man," Amethyst groans, "Don’t get like that. We all know being around a bunch of people majorly stresses you out. We just wanna know you're gonna be okay."

"That’s right, we're trying to look out for you," Pearl adds, emboldened now by Amethyst taking the lead. "We all care about you and we worry when you don't tell us things."

Steven feels his body loosen as he sighs and runs a hand through his hair, "I know and I really do appreciate it. It's just-"

"We understand." The voice comes from somewhere behind him and he turns quickly to see Garnet leaning on the partial wall that divides the living room from the warp pad and the temple. He wonders if she just got there or if she has been watching silently the whole time. "We're not going to force you to talk. But we're here for you should you need us."

Steven is not sure why but something about Garnet's words are comforting enough for him to admit to her, "I'm nervous about it but not the way I think I'm supposed to be. I'm not as excited as I think I should be. I am excited but I feel like- like it's going to be bad. Like there’s no way that this can go right."

"Your last date with Connie did not go the way you planned either."

"Yeah…" Steven moans. He wouldn't call their picnic a date though technically that is probably what it was, meaning that this is actually their second date. His body temperature is rising and his hands are starting to shake. He grits his teeth, preparing to bear it then feels the presence of two figures by his sides. Pearl has a hand on his shoulder and Amethyst has a hand on his back less than a second later. It grounds him enough to regain control.

Pearl's hand is more firm, "Oh, Steven, you can't expect the worst just because you've had a bad experience in the past."

"Yeah," Amethyst agrees, "Besides, even if things do go bad, you still got us."

“Amethyst,” Pearl scolds again though much quieter.

Steven sighs, "I know. I know, you're right. I'm just stuck in my head. I know I've got nothing to worry about." 

“It’s okay to worry. It’s good to feel things.” Garnet walks towards him and places her hand on his free shoulder so all the gems have a hand on him. “You just can't let your fears control you.”

“Yes,” Pearl pipes up, “It’s actually necessary for humans to feel things or else they will repress those feelings until it becomes too much to handle.”

"I guess that’s true.” Steven feels an actual smile form on his face at her words. It sounds like it’s right out of a textbook. It sure looks like Pearl has been doing her research on mental health. He straightens up with more confidence as his tension releases. “Wow, I actually feel better."

"Good." Garnet tilts his head up to look at her with her other hand, "Now go and enjoy yourself. You deserve it."

They pull him into a hug that he returns. "Thanks, you guys."

He shares the moment with his family before he moves from the hug to finish getting ready. Garnet joins the others on the couch. They all go back to whatever they were doing before but still look over at him here and there with worry. It feels safe rather than patronizing. He is putting on his pink dress shoes (he figures this might be an occasion he has to forego flip-flops) as his dad shifts to sit next to him on the edge of the couch. Steven gives him attention, finishing his laces. His dad puts a hand on his head and ruffles his hair. “Listen, I just wanted to tell you that, well, that I’m proud of you for putting yourself out there. You’ve put in tons of work. Garnet’s right, you deserve a break.”

“Thanks, dad.”

“If you're sure you can handle this, I trust you. Though I gotta say I’m happy Connie is gonna be with you.” His expression shifts after he says that as if something has just occurred to him. Then a mischievous smile breaks out on his face. Suddenly he grabs Steven in a tight hug and ruffles his hair rougher than he did earlier, "Holy smokes! You're going on your first date! Get a load of you, Casanova!"

"Dad," he moans, pulling out of the hug and running his fingers through his hair to fix it.

"Sorry, I'm excited for you. I can't believe how much you're growing up." Then as if his dad is trying to express every possible emotion before he gets out the door his face shifts into a serious yet nervous look. Soon he rubs the back of his head, contemplating his next words. Steven is worried until he actually speaks in a very leading way. "Listen son, I don't want to make any assumptions here but you remember what we talked about, right? As far as-"

Steven hurries to his feet before he can finish and flashes an awkward thumbs up. “Yep. I got it. Safe and consensual.” 

It’s strange because he has never felt shy about this topic before and he doesn't understand why he does now. It makes the other three in the room look up too. Embarrassed, he half-runs to the door to grab his keys off the key hook while calling back, "Alright, I'm leaving now. Bye! Don’t wait for me!"

He hears their faint chorus of “goodnight” and "have fun" as he makes his way to the Dondai for what he hopes will turn out to be a good night for a first date.


	2. Headache

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again this is a sequel story. This chapter especially will make more sense if you already read the first story. I don't think it will make no sense if you don't read the other fic but it will make this chapter in particular better. Connie's thought process may not make sense to you until in a later chapter if you don't.

It's not really the time for first dates.

Though to be fair, Connie has most likely thought something similar every time she and Steven neared this step in their relationship. Even the time she had taken the initiative and kissed him. However it always felt warranted and the reasons always sounded valid. For example in that particular case there had been a terrible disaster and Beach City needed mending, which only he could provide. Then she had been approved for admission to cram school and she needed time to adjust to the new environment when school started. She was on the fast track to college. She would eventually have time for dating. The first quarter didn’t leave her the free time though and the second quarter hadn’t either. She decided her first year in high school it was best not to spend her time concerned with romance and by association her feelings on Steven. Then the school year ended, he had his panic attack and wasn't emotionally in the place for it after. Things had just never lined up right for them. Which was fine. She could wait. They could wait. There was no reason to rush the inevitable...

Connie pushes that thought aside as she realizes the waiting is actually over and there is no one to judge her on taking her time with him. No one but her anyway. She focuses on her face in the mirror. Thinking of Steven reminds her that he is on his way to pick her up. She isn’t going to force him to wait with her parents. She imagines they have a whole speech prepared for him when he shows up. She doesn't want him to have to suffer through that. That means she has to focus on getting ready.

Knowing how to apply make-up is low on Connie's priority list. Her school doesn't allow more than a minimal amount so the need has never felt pressing and she is content to go without it. Besides she goes there to learn and isn’t looking to impress any of her peers. School dances are different however than just any old day, most especially big ones like Homecoming or Prom. She wonders if it was the childhood obsession with fantasy novels or the pre-teen obsession with space and swords that had prevented the “desire to be a pretty princess” phase of her life. Most girls had one of those, right? She isn’t sure. Maybe it had taken her too long to come out as a girl and she had missed it by accident while she focused on the process of transitioning to her real gender (as much as a child was allowed to anyway). She has female friends who would gladly help her in this area but she is too embarrassed to ask one of them. Asking the lady at the store what she should even be buying was hard enough. She doesn't believe she will even need as much as was suggested but she got it all anyway.

There is no way she won’t mess this up. She is sitting at her work desk since nowhere else in her room is able to allow the space she needs. She has a small stand-up mirror she didn’t remember she owned. She thinks her grandmother gave it to her for a birthday. She looks over her decent sized room and wonders where she would even put a piece of furniture dedicated to just putting on make-up. Do most girls have more space in their room than she does? She faces herself in the mirror again then looks over what she has. She isn’t sure where to start. She could go ask her mom for help but neither of her parents are exactly happy about her plans tonight. They were equally as unhappy the last time she went to a dance with a different guy so at least it’s not about Steven specifically.

As open-minded as her mom and dad try to be, she doubts they will ever truly understand her the way she wishes they could. She knows she will always be on some level a stranger living in their home even if they can't see it. She knows they won't understand what finally seems to be happening between her and Steven or what has always existed between the two of them. Because to her parents he is just a teenage boy (an abnormal one but one nonetheless) and she is just a teenage girl and that is that. They will never understand that what she has with him is unique. This attachment she has to him is not the result of puberty and they all have more to be afraid of than anything she and Steven could get up to in the back of his car. However it will never be their reality the way it is hers and on some level it's because they don't try enough or they try wrong. She doesn’t want to drag her mom into something she clearly doesn’t want any part of. That is definitely the reason and not the fact she feels on the border of tears she wants to hide from questioning. She hopes the feeling will stop before it’s time to go.

She isn't quite sure why she wants to cry. This is her first date or at least it’s her first date that she actually knows is a date (she’s two for two on that front) and it’s with Steven! It’s something Connie has fantasized about since she was 12. She has long dreamed about being romanced by him. If she flipped through her last three years worth of journals she could easily find one of the places she had doodled “Connie Universe” in her fancy script handwriting, dotting each “i’” with a tiny heart. She should be ecstatic. The anticipation should have a thrill underneath never before experienced, not this persistent dread that’s all too familiar...

Again Connie pushes the thought away before it fully forms. She wants this! She had developed her crush on Steven early on in their relationship. It was hard not to fall for him for reasons that ranged from “he's the only person who hangs out with me” to ”he makes me feel special” to “he's so adventurous” to “he’s so sweet” to “he’s _kind of_ handsome” to “he’s _really_ handsome!” However it had all been innocent and so simple because she had been a child. She is 16 and now everything to do with him comes with complications she can’t always fully comprehend in addition to the fact that thoughts of Steven often keep her company during physical exploration.

His attraction to her isn't new either. He had a crush on her before she did him. It guided them into a powerful friendship. Still that didn't mean his romantic intentions with her ever went away. He made that clear when he pro- He had made it clear. To her knowledge she is the only one who has ever been blessed with that brand of love from him. It's flattering to be the sole object of his affections. The guy who has love for everything, for everyone feels a special love for her and her only. It makes her feel more important than she is. It makes her feel more attractive than she is too. Perhaps it’s a symptom of dysphoria but Connie never used to think of herself as being a pretty girl until Steven began to look at her as if she was the lone ray of color in a dark and bleak world. She has caught him staring at her in innocent infatuation and in obvious carnal desire. He is far too sweet to not be ashamed of himself for the latter and unfortunately she doesn't exactly know how to tell him she likes it when his eyes will linger on her for a long moment as he slowly marks a trail along her body.

She sees herself in the mirror. She has turned dark red from thinking about Steven in that way. She wonders if she’s feeling conflicted over the thought something like _that_ could likely happen between them soon and if it is causing this darkness to encase her heart. Even while knowing somewhere inside of her it’s not, still in desperate hope she searches within herself to see if she’s discovered the source of her distress. This leads to her imagining them somewhere dark and hidden, kissing and pawing at each other much less romantically and far more passionately, clothes either already off or undone enough for ease of access. He pins her under him and-

She gets embarrassed and can’t contemplate the idea long enough to figure out if it's the root cause of her feelings. She decides not to take it as confirmation for what she is afraid of though. Giving up on it, she picks up and puts down different cosmetics in front of her before she pulls out her phone to check online for a tutorial. It’s hard to feel motivated to do this as she knows she’s doing it because she feels like she should do it. She’s unsure why this is a big deal to her. She’s long since grown out of making choices based on other people’s desires. Although there is still, and always will be, one exception to that.

That's on her however. It’s not Steven’s fault that something about him makes Connie forget how to behave like a correctly functioning human being. She has so much going on with school, she can't afford to be stupid. Love makes you dumb and for her love equals Steven. Which is the reason behind her dragging her books over to his place three times a week just so she can sit on his floor and spend half the time actually studying and the other half pretending she isn't covertly watching him. Depending on the day it changes whether she is watching him because she’s worried about him or just admiring how attractive he has become over the last few years. It doesn’t matter. It had all played a part in getting her to this moment.

* * *

Connie wasn’t sure what she should say to Steven. He had asked her out! On a date! She was going on a date! With Steven! If she knew he was going to be asking her out that day she would have dressed better. She knew it was silly but she wished she looked cuter when it happened. She might edit her attire in her mind when she played this back later in glee. She would change nothing about him though. Not his standard outfit or the way he clumsily made his way through asking her or his dopey smile. After years of hopes and fantasies Steven had asked her out!

"So," she said, "I would stay and talk more but I'm already running late. Do you want to text me when you figure it out?"

"Yeah that's probably the best idea," he said. Maybe it was cliche and selfish to expect him to plan their date out himself instead of them deciding what to do together but she wanted to be properly romanced by Steven. He loved schmaltzy stuff. She mentally batted away the image that momentarily flashed in her mind, determined to keep this moment and this memory happy.

She saw his eyes drop for a second then look thoughtful before springing back up to meet hers with that same excitement. "What if I take you to your Homecoming dance?"

He surprised her with that suggestion. It wasn't out of the blue. They had discussed the dance earlier after all. Steven never showed much interest in her school life though. While he always listened and engaged in the conversation whenever she brought it up he rarely, if ever, inquired about it. She had come to think it might have something to do with him not wanting to know what he was missing out on. She was having a hard time picturing him among her classmates especially after the incident at the roller rink. However she adored the picture in her imagination of him dressed appropriately for a semi-formal event. She thought of a few different possibilities for what he might wear. He would look incredibly handsome in whatever he chose. Every single version of him she saw in her mind’s eye looked equally debonair.

"Is that…? Do you want to do that?"

"Well why not?"

“Steven, I’m happy we’re going out. Please don’t force yourself to do something you don’t want to do.” She waved her hand by her head and added as an afterthought, “Anyway I just told you I’m not a big fan of dances.”

She saw him wince and his body tense. “I know but you said you might have liked it if you went with someone else.”

It looked like her previous “date” was still a sensitive nerve. She genuinely thought that he had been having a heart attack before. She had known Steven would take the news badly, even if she prefaced it with the fact she didn't know it was a date when she said "yes." Or she didn't and did at the same time. It was a weird situation. She guessed she thought it was more of a "Let me get to know you before asking you out" type of thing. Because why would anyone want to date someone they barely even knew? She didn’t want to date a stranger even if she wasn't outright against dating as a concept. She’d told him the truth when she said she had an interest in dating, she just had more interest in other things. She could still get to know someone in case she wanted to date them in the future. She was allowed to date people other than Steven!

She wished she was anyway. Truthfully though she knew she didn't want that. The entire night she had only been able to compare her date to him. She found herself thinking "That's not right" at almost everything he did only to eventually realize by "not right" she meant "not like Steven." He didn't talk to her the way Steven would have done. With playful, friendly jabs and simple but loving compliments. He hadn't put on an intentionally silly, dramatic flare while still managing to stay sincerely romantic. Her laughter with him was muted in a way it never was or ever could be with Steven. He didn't dance with the same enthusiasm and honest, open enjoyment as Steven, taking it instead as an obligation. He hadn't looked at her the way Steven did. He wasn't even necessarily perverse or predatory about "checking her out" and was clearly just admiring her for her beauty. However he didn't look in awe of her as if he was just lucky to be in her company yet not to a desperate, pitiful amount that would have been sad. Eyes with enough wonderment to be romantic but still grounded enough to know he was seeing the real her and not an impossible version of her he had made up in his head. The way Steven was looking at her in that moment.

He rubbed the back of his neck after she was quiet for too long, unsure how exactly to respond to him, “Don’t you think you would have fun with me?”

"Of course I do!" she assured him forcefully before he could even start a spiral into self-loathing, “I think I would have a great time with you _anywhere_.”

“Like at your Homecoming dance, right?”

“I guess so. Yeah.”

"So let me take you! We'll have fun! I never get to do regular teenager stuff like that. Besides-" He grabbed her hands and took a step into her personal space. They basically stood eye to eye (she may have even been slightly taller) but still somehow it felt as if he was towering over her in the best way possible, "-I never get to see you dressed up nice and you looked gorgeous at Ruby and Sapphire's wedding."

She felt herself blush but kept her teasing face, "Yeah right! There’s no way you remember what I wore to a wedding three years ago. Especially with everything else that happened that day."

"I do though," he defended with a laugh. “A light blue dress with matching shoes and a dark blue ribbon at your waist.” -he reached up in order to brush a few stray hairs away from her forehead and tuck them behind her ear with two of his long, thick fingers- “You pinned your hair back too.” 

Connie was legitimately surprised she didn't either immediately melt onto the floor in a mess of embarrassed, awkward emotions or launch herself at his mouth with her own in giddy euphoria. He hadn't even tried to say it in a suave tone as some attempt to seduce her. He said it matter of factually. She was just so weak for him that it took only the barest indication of his interest in her to undo her composure completely.

"Okay," she finally agreed because she couldn’t take how adorable he was anymore, "You can take me to my Homecoming dance if you want to this badly."

"Really?"

Her heart turned to ice for one second. She could take the out he gave her there but it didn't feel like an actual question. It felt false. She also feared that he would collapse to the floor in pain if she kept refusing. Seeing him clutch his chest with his face twisting in agony was hard to watch. It was far too close to what had happened to him just a few months ago. Though she didn't even understand her persistent distaste at the idea of letting him take her to the dance. Especially as all she could see were such wonderful, romantic scenarios.

"Really, Steven."

"Alright!" He looked elated again. That in itself delighted her, "It'll be great, Connie. I promise!"

"I know it will."

She held his hands for another long moment as they smiled at each other with shy affection. Until she reluctantly released him to kneel by her bag on the floor. She couldn’t let herself get caught up in enjoying the fog of infatuation surrounding them. She went back to struggling to close it but this time Steven reached down and did it for her, as he was obviously much stronger than her. She looked up at him, this time he actually was towering over her. The urge to pounce on him, lips first, returned. Instead she slung her bag over her shoulder and began to stand up. He held his hand out to help her before she got far. He was such a gentleman. That or he just wanted an excuse to touch her again. Both were good. She pushed loose hair behind her ear before accepting it, letting herself be pulled back onto her feet by him as if she weighed nothing at all. Once standing rather than letting go she interlaced their fingers.

"I really have to go now."

"Okay." Steven sounded as disappointed as Connie felt. She walked towards the stairs without an answer, taking him with her by the hand. His stairs weren't actually wide enough for them to walk down together so it was more like her dragging him after her than him escorting her out. Still it was always nice to walk hand in hand together with him. Even if the walk to the door was a short one. Lion was lazily waiting on the porch. Good thing as she was late getting home.

"Thanks for walking me out."

"Why? Were you afraid you weren't gonna make it on your own?"

"Excuse you, who is whose knight here exactly?" She poked him in his belly and he giggled, "Maybe I was just trying to give you the chance to impress me with some gentlemanly charm."

"Hey, I have plenty of charm."

"I'm sure you do. Hidden in there somewhere." She poked his stomach again and a second laugh escaped him. Once he stopped, he gave her a mischievous look before he bowed and brought her hand up to his mouth.

"Well good evening to my brave knight and fair lady. I am looking forward to our next meeting." She held her breath as he made direct eye contact with her until the moment he pressed his lips to her hand, lightly and briefly, with his eyes closed. Suddenly Connie realized Steven had never kissed her before. Even with all the times she had been injured, he never used his healing power on her through kissing her. From the look that graced his face as his eyes met hers again, he seemed to realize that too.

"How's that for charm?" he asked, voice shakier than she thought he would have liked it to be.

"Yeah." She blinked rapidly a few times before she gained back her composure as she gave him a teasing look, "That was pretty good, I suppose."

"Okay I guess I gotta up my game."

"Yeah." She didn't enjoy letting go of him to rouse the large wildcat.

"Alright, bye then." He waved to her then added, "I'm really excited."

"Me too." They shared another moment until that urge flooded her body one last time. She was on Lion, ready to go, before she could work up the courage for a kiss of her own. "Okay, bye!"

"Bye, Connie," she heard him call just barely over Lion's roar, "See you soon."

* * *

Connie looks herself over now that she’s done. She’s actually quite happy with the result and thinks maybe she should start wearing make-up regularly. She enjoys the way it brings out and highlights her natural feminine features. She also appreciates tasks she has to focus on to do but not too intensely. It would be a nice addition to her morning routine. With that stage done she moves on to putting up her hair.

She has seen Steven a few times between him asking her out and tonight. No matter how much they tried they always ended up on the topic of their upcoming date. It was hard to think about anything else when they were together. Getting him to go with her was more of a hassle then she thought it would be. There was a form she had to help him fill out which to even get she had to have a fifteen minute conversation with the Vice-Principal about who exactly her date was and where he went to school (she told him Steven was home-schooled). Mr. Universe signed it without even reading it, something that annoyed her as it seems there are still some lapses in his parenting.

Unsurprisingly Steven wanted to wear pink in some capacity though he was completely willing to wear something else. They didn’t have to match but he wanted them to. She was not a fan of the color pink on herself however she did love it on him. They ended up deciding on mainly black with some color so he could have pink in his outfit and she could have blue in her outfit, their respective favorite colors.

She also thought of asking her mother to come shopping with her but quickly realized if she did then they probably wouldn’t agree. She thought about her friends again but still found herself deciding against it. She is so inexperienced with this type of thing that while the help would be appreciated it would also leave her feeling either isolated from them or as if she was the center of attention. So she had gone by herself. For someone who has so many people around her, Connie finds that she often does things alone. She studies alone, she does almost all of her extracurricular activities alone. She had gone shopping for a dress and make-up alone. She had gotten ready for Homecoming alone. Honestly it is a wonder she isn’t going to the dance alone. Though if she were alone then she wouldn’t even be going.

The dress she picked is about a little less than knee length. It’s mostly black like they agreed on but has a gradient look that gradually transitions from black at the top to a completely blue skirt. It only has one shoulder strap with laced with faux crystal embellishments and a matching embellishment pattern on the opposite side along the side of her upper torso. She’s going to wear dangling silver star earrings and star necklace with it. They go with the vague night theme of her dress (although the real reason is because Steven loves stars.) She puts them on as soon as her hair is done. She doesn’t have a full length mirror so she will have to check herself in the one in the bathroom before she goes down to meet him. She pulls on her shoes and hurries to the bathroom so she can get downstairs before Steven shows up.

She looks beautiful but knows she would look much prettier if she could just manage to smile. She doesn't look nearly as despondent as earlier but that might just be the make-up hiding the frown lines. Whether because she has overcome it or she's just worried about her hard work getting ruined, her urge to cry has dissipated completely. That has to be a good sign. It has to mean she isn’t going to spend the whole night miserable. She needs it to mean that. She needs this to be a good night.

She also needs to get downstairs very soon. She checks herself in the mirror one last time with a quick spin before going back to her room for her small purse. She is able to walk quickly despite her footwear. One of the good things she got out of all her sword training was a strong sense of balance. She got a lot of good things out of her sword training. Mostly good things.

Connie's body sags with relief when she sees through the archway to the kitchen that her father is at the table working on one of his models and her mother is on the phone (with the hospital most likely) pacing as she often does with work calls. Though she does notice they both keep glancing at the clock on the wall. She stealthily moves into the living room to wait. Her phone buzzes a second later and she holds it to her chest to muffle the noise it makes when it does. Her parents haven’t noticed so she checks it as she makes her way to the door. It’s a text from Steven that says he is outside. She smiles. Doesn't he know it’s considered “rude” not to come to the door to pick up a date? She glances back towards the kitchen realizing this means she is able to go meet Steven without him even needing to say "hi" and “bye” to her parents. She has no issues dealing with them chewing her out later for being disrespectful by leaving.

“Steven’s here,” she calls as she reaches for the door handle and is halfway out as she says, “I’ll see you later tonight!”

She doesn't wait for either to respond before she closes the door and heads down the walkway. She sees Steven walking up to her door. He stops when he sees her and they end up meeting about halfway. She doesn't want to stay there too long as it will give her parents time to follow after her. So she keeps walking, grabbing his hand as she passes him and pulling him back to his car. "Hey, Steven. Ready to go?"

"Hey. Uh yeah, sure," he says, letting himself be dragged behind her. She feels bad about that. They had barely said 'hello.' There is already so much pressure on her and on this night though. She knows her parents will only make things worse. She wants to feel good. She wants this to be happy. She wants-

"Connie?" They are almost to the Dondai when he stops to say her name. She can't move him more than he allows her to even if she tries so she just turns back to look at him. They are still holding hands. She took his hand without thinking about it because she has done so before. Many times neither even reaches out and their hands just drift together naturally. It hadn't even occurred to her when she first saw him that tonight he isn't just Steven: her best friend, he is also Steven: her first date. The reality of it sucks all of the air from her lungs and drops her heart into her stomach. Suddenly despite the fact that the fingers of their outstretched hands are only barely connected now it feels like the most intimate way Steven has ever touched her. That is far from true but all the times his fingers have graced her skin before never felt so meaningful.

"Yes, Steven?"

"I just wanted to tell you- Well you look beautiful."

"Oh thank you." She moves to push hair behind her ear only to realize she has put it up already. So her fingers settle on the back of her neck instead and she actually gets a good look at him. Somehow her imagination had gotten it perfectly right and completely wrong at the same time.

Right in the way he looks. His attire borders on formal and casual which is exactly what is expected for something like this. She always finds it endearing how Steven prefers bow-ties to long neckties. Though they do look nice on him. He looks nice. No, he looks far more than nice. He looks mature and dashing, maybe even _sexy_. He cares about his appearance and it is clear he took time to make himself look good tonight. One touch she doesn't expect is that his nails are painted blue. He's been painting his nails lately because it's calming for him. She laughs because he probably picked blue to match her outfit and earlier she painted her own nails pink to match his outfit. Little things like that remind her that she and Steven often operate on the same wavelength.

What she was wrong about however was the intense feelings seeing him like this would evoke. Connie has seen him in all manner of dress over the course of their friendship. From near nudity to three piece suits. It's not like this is some massive change in his style or anything. She thinks there's something about how it’s _for her_ that makes it different. Steven looks this good _for her_ . He put in the time and effort _for her._ Everything he did to get ready (iron his shirt, shower, shave, clean his shoes, attempt to tame the tangled mess that is his hair) was all done in an attempt to look good specifically _for her_! It's literally the bare minimum one could expect from their date but to her it feels monumental.

"You look so good." She hears the sensual tone she says it in and is mortified.

"Oh." He flashes dark red, "Thank you..."

"I mean," she continues, "You're beautiful too. Or no, not- You look, you know-"

"Aww, you don't think I'm beautiful?"

"No, yes. Of course you are."

"Hey, relax. It's just me." His smile widens and she feels incredible all of a sudden. It was like she had forgotten to be excited for this and now that she's remembered it's finally hitting her that she and Steven are going out on their first date!

"Connie!" Her name is called again. This time though it's by her mother as her parents appear in the doorway.

Steven turns to look back at them and waves, "Hi, Dr. and Mr. Maheswaren!"

"Hello, Steven," her mother answers, still giving Connie a disapproving look. Her face softens before she continues, "I know you're excited but please don't run out the door like that again."

"Yes, ma'am, sorry, ma'am."

Her mother sighs as her father finally speaks up in a much more friendly voice, "Hello Steven, would you like to come in for a few minutes before you kids head out?"

Steven puts both hands up and waves them in front of him. "No, no, that's alright. It's probably best if we just get going."

"Okay." Her father stretches the word out, not pleased with that answer although still friendly. She thinks he might actually like Steven. Not that her mom dislikes him, she's just a bit wary of her relationship with him, "But you two be careful. You know drive safe and don’t take anything from anyone you don’t know."

“You got it!” Steven finger guns with a tongue click and wink at her parents. She finds it adorable but she can guess they do not.

“Yes,” her mother continues, “And please call us if need be. You have your phone, right? With all the numbers of the local authorities and hospitals? And all your important medical information is written somewhere in case you fall unconscious?”

“Yes, mom,” she says, showing her clutch as proof. She has come to understand it’s better to humor her parents over-protectiveness than to try and fight it. At least they look pacified by the two teens' commitment to behaving responsibly. “Okay if that’s all, may Steven and I go now?”

“I suppose so,” her mother sighs.

“Great,” Connie pulls Steven back towards the car again less than a second later. “Let’s go.”

“Uh, bye, Dr. and Mr. Maheswaren!”

“Home by 10:30!” is the most goodbye they get before they are both in his car and buckled in. They let out a sigh at the same time which makes her giggle which in turn makes him giggle too. He is smiling as he turns on the ignition. The whole exchange felt… normal. Embarrassing and awkward but normal. She is glad they managed to avoid a “shotgun talk” (as if her father is even capable of giving one, especially to a guy like Steven). Besides that Connie can’t imagine how it would have gone differently for another girl getting picked up by another guy. For maybe the first time they are just a couple of teenagers going on a date. A normal first date she is finally looking forward to.


	3. Heart Burn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so full disclosure I'm practicing some different writing styles with this story and so the last two chapters are in unlimited 3rd or my attempt at it.
> 
> That's all. Enjoy.

It's a little weird for them both to be driving towards Connie's school together. Steven has never even been near her school. Though they aren't actually going to her school but the events building close by used for nights like tonight. She has only been there a couple of times, herself. Once when she first got accepted to the school, a few other times to celebrate academic achievements and the one dance she has been to with her classmates. Steven has never been to any events at any schools before. He has a decent idea what one is like though. Most of his knowledge comes from movies and television but he's heard a few rare stories from his dad in the last few months too. His father is trying to be more open with Steven about his life before meeting the Gems, hoping to help Steven connect more with his human side. He appreciates the effort.

Music starts playing as soon as Steven turns on the engine. As they pull away from her house he asks, "Is this okay? I can change it if you want me to."

"No, I like it! I always like what you play. You have exceptional taste in music." He smiles shyly her way in thanks. She smiles back but panic sets in as soon as he turns to look at the road. They are probably going to play the most generic top 40's type stuff at the dance or worse, orchestral music that no teenager wants to dance to. He’s going to hate it. It's not like now where they can easily change the music since he probably has about a hundred cassette tapes scattered throughout his car. That is exactly what she doesn't need! One more reason for him to feel out of place surrounded by her peers. She doesn't want him to struggle. She wants him to have fun-

The tape ends in the middle of her thought and rather than put in a new one Steven switches to the radio. The station he lands on is halfway through a modern pop song. He taps his hands on the steering wheel along with the beat and Connie feels silly. Steven is passionate about music but he's not a pretentious jerk about it. He just likes what he likes and he will be fine with whatever they play at the dance. She's not even sure why she was questioning that. She stares out the window, arms crossed. Why does everything about tonight feel like such a big deal?

Steven looks from the road to Connie unsure what to say. She barely registered his arrival when he came to pick her up and instead rushed him to his car. He can admit he is a romantic at heart and had been hoping there might be some magic to them seeing each other. He was hoping she might be at least a little bit lovestruck when she saw him. He certainly had been seeing her. He meant it when he told her it's a shame that he never gets to see her dress up because she is the most beautiful person to have ever existed as far as he is concerned. Eventually they had a lingering, starry-eyed, locked gaze moment like he wanted even if it wasn’t right at the second they made eye contact. Besides the sexy voice she used, how her eyes had dilated and the way her face had flushed when she finally did pay attention to him was going to stick in his head for a good long time. That should be enough of a trade off. It’s not though. Is it too much for him to expect this night to be more romantic than it has been so far?

They stop at a red light and he looks at her while she looks out the window. He realizes if it's not going to happen organically then he has to make it happen. He takes advantage of the stop light to reach to her side to open the glove box. She notices him obviously and blushes at the fact he is leaning over her lap. Curious as to what he is doing she watches him. He finds the tape he is looking for and holds it up in victory as if Connie has any idea what he's even doing. He quickly replaces the tape in his tape deck for the new one and presses play. Suitably romantic music fills the space around them. Her blush darkens slightly as understanding dawns on her. He laughs a little awkwardly, imagining she would be the darkest red it was possible for a person to get if she knew what his dad had labeled this particular mixtape. The light has turned green and he is lucky there is no one behind him to honk in annoyance. Once they are through the intersection and he no longer has to worry about the gear shift he takes her hand in his hand and interlaces their fingers to hold between their seats. Trying to remain confident in his decision he relaxes his shoulders and leans back, eyes still on the road.

She can't help but giggle. He is trying so hard. It’s an obvious attempt on his part to set some type of "mood." She also gets the feeling this might be something he picked up from his father. In one word, it's adorable. In two, it's adorable and flattering.

"What's with the music?"

"Huh? What do you mean?" He shrugs his shoulders, "I always listen to music when I drive."

"What was wrong with the music that was already playing?"

"Oh uh nothing. Nothing was wrong with it. I just felt like listening to something else. That's all." She feels him letting her hand go. "Do you not like it? I can turn it off."

She tightens her grip. "No. It's really good. Like I said, you have an ear for music."

"Okay, good." Relief washes over him. She has a small embarrassed smile on and he hopes that is a good sign. The words are out before he thinks about them. "You're so pretty."

"You already told me that."

"I know but you still are. That hasn't changed."

"Thank you. And you're still handsome."

"Don't you mean beautiful?" he teases.

"That too." She giggles. Though honestly inside and out Steven really _is_ beautiful.

"Thanks." Silence falls over them again. Neither is quite sure what to talk about and both feel like it's their fault they have nothing to say. Connie flexes her fingers between his but doesn't pull away. He thinks having a physical connection between them is helping. Their relationship has always had a strong physical component to it.

"This is silly!" she finally says out of frustration. 

"What's silly?" he asks, already feeling dumb for thinking some music and hand holding would fix this situation.

"Us," she says, giving a rough, awkward laugh, "We're being so ridiculous. Come on. We're jam buds. We know how to talk to each other. We've shared everything for the last three years. There's no reason for us to be nervous."

"Yeah, you're right." He laughs and she feels much more assured in her assessment. She wasn't sure how exactly he would take that. But then again this is Steven, her Steven, and she should know better. She knows him as well as she knows herself. Maybe she knows him better than she does herself. Maybe that's part of the problem with all this... 

"I guess it is silly. I just-" He keeps his eyes on the road and never even glances at her, "I guess I want you to have a good time but I want to be the reason you're having a good time too."

"Are you saying you want to woo me?"

"Uhh, woo?"

"Woo means to try and impress someone but in, you know, a romantic way."

"Oh. Then yeah. I want to woo you."

Connie feels a flutter in her chest. Steven is always so honest with her. Her body goes warm in all the most important places. She moves to the edge of her seat and reaches to grab his arm with her free hand. She leans his way as best she can and puts her head against his shoulder. "You don't have to worry about that. I have been thoroughly wooed by you already."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

She can feel him smiling down at her as his thumb rubs the back of her hand. They stay that way for a short time before she reluctantly pulls away. She can't stay leaning on him. Other than the warmth and softness of Steven's stout body the position is not at all comfortable. He's still forced to drive one handed though because she refuses to let his hand go. She even pulls it up to her face to run the back of it gently along her cheek.

Steven takes pride in the fact that in an indirect way his "wooing" had worked. He used to have a lot more confidence when it came to romancing Connie. Him begging her to get married and permi-fuse into Stevonnie followed by her subsequent rejection has essentially ruined his faith in his abilities. His discovery that she briefly dated someone else had also deflated his ego by quite a bit. That second thing was ridiculous on his part. She told him outright she didn't have much fun. She told him she hadn't even known it was a date at the time. He wonders when she figured out it _was_ a date. Maybe the guy had said something romantic to her or maybe he had done something someone would only do on a date. With a quick, piercing stab of heartache he wonders if this mystery guy had _kissed_ her! He really hopes not. Steven hasn't even kissed Connie yet. He doesn't want anyone else to ever kiss her. Is that selfish?

Eventually their tightly held hands get uncomfortable and she has to let go. She weirdly likes how sweaty and red her hand is afterward. She flexes her fingers, sad at the loss of connection to him. She glances back down at his hand as it settles on the gear shift and notices one of his tapes caught between their seats. She absentmindedly picks it up and opens the glove box to put it away. There she finds a surprisingly organized collection of tapes. She looks through them trying to figure out where this one goes and notices almost none of them are actual albums, rather the majority have been labeled by hand.

“Hey, what’s with all the cassette tapes anyway?” she asks as she tries in vain to understand his system for storing his tapes so she can put this one away. She can tell the tape she has in hand was labeled by Steven because she recognizes his handwriting.

“What do you mean? My car only plays tapes.”

“I know that,” she says with a smile, closing the glove box and turning to the box of even more tapes he keeps on the floor of his backseat. Maybe it goes in there. She continues as she tries to look inside of it. “What I meant was how come most of them are mixtapes? Did you make all of these yourself?”

“Oh. Yeah, some of them. I made that one.” He points to the one in her hand before he points to his radio to indicate the tape playing, “This one is old. My dad made it when he was young. He gave me almost all of his old mixtapes with the Dondai. But we made most of these together when I was still a little kid.”

“Really?” Steven rarely talks about his years as a young child before living with the Gems.

“Yeah! We had this huge boombox and we would sit in the back of the van putting in blank tapes with some cassettes or wait for the radio to play something we really liked so we could record it. We would do that for hours. We must have made dozens.”

“That sounds nice.”

“It was.” He meant that too. He loved making mixtapes with his dad and yet... “We didn’t have much else to do though. We lived in a van.”

He tries to say it casually but there is nothing casual about it. He doesn’t need to tell her that. She already knows. He wants to say it though. A strange catharsis comes from voicing trauma. It makes it real in a way that feels necessary. She understands. It’s why she doesn’t question it.

“Memories are weird, huh?” she says with her eyes back on the tape in her hand, “You can look back on them and see yourself smiling and laughing or feeling loved. You experience all those wonderful emotions again. You see this picture in your head like this beautiful highlight reel of all the great moments. It’s not perfectly right but it’s close enough to make you feel that way again.”

“But sometimes it’s not accurate to your reality. Because what was happening to you wasn’t good. It was something awful and you were too caught up in the happiness of it to see that. Maybe there wasn’t any pain back then or maybe you were just too young and naive to see the pain or maybe it was painful but it was also happy and it's possible for things to be both. And suddenly you look at your life and you realize that so many of the best parts are also the worst parts. You start to think maybe that’s just what childhood is. Good and bad things all the time and no real way to tell which is which. Thinking that you know one from the other only to grow up and understand why you can’t have ice cream for dinner and that having extra time to study can be a blessing. You start to see that you never really knew the difference between good and bad and you probably don’t know it now either.”

“Wow.”

Connie’s eyes spring up and meet Steven’s own. She looks around his car a moment before she is looking at him again. She remembers where she is and when she is. With Steven on their first date. They are stopped at a stop sign near a school crossing area which means they are close to their destination. She feels embarrassed, unsure where she disappeared in her mind. He’s looking at her as if in some state of awe. Not the right kind though. Not the kind she wants. She misses the sparkling, adoring look she now realizes he has been giving her since they left her place. Tonight’s not the night she wants to endure the intensity of his stare that penetrates into the soul and mines out a person’s fears and insecurities. She swears the way he can see into people and understand the nature of their hearts must be Gem magic. No pure human being could access and decode all the complexities of someone's psyche with the ease Steven seems to.

“Connie, that was-”

He is interrupted by a loud horn. He turns in his seat to look out the back window. He waves at whoever it was with an apologetic smile. They are in the busier part of town now and it is likely the other car's driver and/or passengers are her classmates. Steven pulls away from the stop sign not looking at her as she tosses the tape into the box in the back. She is relieved to be giving him directions to the event building a moment later making it impossible to talk of other things. Unsurprisingly there is a decent number of people parking their cars and getting dropped off as they find a spot for the car. She is looking around at just how many people are there before she reaches for her seatbelt. Steven is unbuckled already and is opening his door as she does.

"Wait one sec," he says, hopping out and hurrying to her side of the car. She smiles warmly, understanding exactly what he is doing and waits patiently as asked. Even though she knows it's coming her heart still skips a beat when Steven opens her door for her and holds his hand out for hers.

"Lady Maheswaran," he says, bowing his head, "May I escort you inside?"

"Oh my, what a true gentleman," she answers, taking his hand and letting him help her out.

They both giggle as Steven closes the door behind her. Standing right next to her rather than a few feet away he notices that Connie's heels make her about three extra inches taller than him. He doesn't mind it though. In fact it makes it easier for him to see her pretty face. She's put on make-up which he can see much better in the light of the parking lot. She really does look absolutely gorgeous. He thinks her pink nails and star accessories might be for him as well. He likes that she was thinking of him while she was getting ready. He feels lucky all of a sudden that she is here with him. She squeezes his hand tightly then lets go and begins to walk the same general direction that all the other people their age are walking. With a fresh frown he follows, unsure why she released his hand but not wanting to push. It's slow going as many of her peers are stopping to talk to each other or running up to greet one another as they arrive. He looks around as if he has any hope of recognizing teenagers who go to school in a different town than him. Though he wouldn't recognize the kids who go to school in his own town either.

Connie is walking a step or two ahead of him leading him into the building. He wonders why, unlike everyone else, she isn't waving to anyone. It's what all the other students are doing. That or fawning over their dates as they make their way inside. She isn't doing that either though. She seems only focused on getting them inside as if it's all she can see. Boldly he reaches out and puts a hand on her back. She looks over at him as he slides his hand up onto her bare shoulder in a supportive gesture. He tries to ignore that this is a part of her bare skin he's never touched before. It looks like she had been a million miles away before he touched her. Her eyes adjust to what is actually in front of her and her still face shifts into another smile.

"There's a lot of people here," Steven says now that he has her attention.

"You think so?" she laughs, trying to hide how embarrassed she is to have zoned out like that. "This is nothing. There were a lot more kids at my old public school. I couldn't even tell you who all my classmates were. Here we basically all know each other."

"So how come you aren't saying 'hi' to anyone? Everyone seems so excited to see each other."

She looks around at the students gathering and is saved by what she finds. "Most of these kids aren't in my year."

"Sophomore," he pipes up happily

She giggles, "Yeah. Besides I'm here with you."

"I know but I don't want to keep you from your other friends."

"You're not, Steven." She grabs his hand sitting on her shoulder and runs his knuckles along her check again. Then she uses his hand to pull him closer to her so she can place her free hand on his cheek and press their foreheads together, "We're on a date."

"Right. Right." He sounds flustered and it keeps her in the moment. She's both upset with herself and confused that she sunk into her own head. Drifting off is not an uncommon problem for her at school. It has happened often enough for her to notice she will occasionally spend her lunch hour hyper focused on the food in front of her or stand in silence during the time between classes by her open locker having missed everything going on around her. It's not something that happens every day. She wouldn't even say it happens once a week. It does happen though. Especially when she's at school. Though usually the times it doesn't happen are the times when she is with Steven. Yet tonight it's happened twice She can't even explain where exactly her mind goes when this does happen. She just knows it's not there in the moment and it's nowhere she recognizes in any way other than vague feelings. It's not even darkness really, it's just not there.

She steps back from him and continues to lead him into the building and up the stairs to the second floor. This time she holds his hand until they reach the table outside the actual hall. She has to let go to hand over the tickets she had bought. Steven is looking into the room as she gets her name checked off on the list and confirms she brought a non-student guest with her to the event. Her focus is pulled from her task as she sees out of the corner of her eye Steven with his hand outstretched over his head waving at someone. He takes her hand again to pull her inside with him and apparently towards whoever it is he sees. She looks at his back in confusion.

"Daniel, Patricia! Hey!" he calls out with more comfort than she expected tonight. She looks around him to see her friends that he met at the roller rink standing by a window in the corner and waving back at him. Connie quickly puts her other hand up to wave as well. They make their way over to the two of them.

"Connie!" Patricia says with obvious excitement and surprise. It makes sense she is caught off guard to see her there as she was one of the unfortunates present for her last disaster of a dance date.

"And uh Steven too," Daniel adds though he looks nervous when he says it and glances at Connie. "Awesome to see you again, dude."

"Nice to see you guys too!" Steven grabs his hand and holds it in both of his hands like the two are old friends. He is relieved to see familiar faces in this place. The number of strangers looking at him in curiosity has been making his skin prick and itch with nerves. They all know each other and so once again he stands out. He has been worrying his dad was right and he is not ready for all this. However he wants so badly to be here with Connie. She looks so beautiful and having her all over him in a way that's so overtly romantic has been amazing. He doesn't want to mess it up. He doesn't want it to stop.

"I can't believe you're here!" Patricia says. She is in a lovely, long purple dress that matches her hijab. She has to be wearing smaller heels than Connie is too since tonight she is taller than her friend who is usually the same height. First Steven and now Patricia. Connie feels overdressed even though it's just her shoes. Daniel is in dark grey pants and a light grey shirt with grey shoes, white suspenders and a thin long white tie. He looks so neutral next to Steven in his bright pink shirt and pink shoes.

Daniel is nervous looking over at something to the side but Patricia is looking at them with interest. Notably between them which makes Steven notice Connie interlaced their fingers after he grabbed her hand again. They both go red at the knowing look the other girl gives Connie as she says, "So you decided to bring Steven as your date?"

Steven feels his neck go hot as Connie says, "Oh. Oh yeah. I did."

Then he adds, "Well I asked her but since this is her dance -or well yours too- it's more like her bringing me. I've never been to a dance before. Unless you count the rave we went to as a fusion at the abandoned warehouse or the time we went to the Era 3 ball on Homeworld. We were actually a fusion then too. So I guess this is the first time we've been at a dance without being Stevonnie. You guys remember Stevonnie, right? They're me and Connie fused together."

"Oh right," Daniel says, genuinely trying to be as friendly and understanding as he can manage, "You two won the skate off. Or they won it, I'm still not exactly sure how that works."

"Ah, don't worry about it." One day Steven might be able to properly communicate with people his own age. As it stood he still had an easier time with the various murderous Gems whose main target was him and all of the people that he loved. At least he knew Patricia and Daniel already and last time they met the two of them had warmed up to him by the end of the night.

"How about you guys?" Connie jumps in to fill the awkward space, "Did you come together? I mean, as friends, obviously."

Connie notices Daniel tense again. Patricia just shrugs. "Sort of. We and our dates all came together. They're both over by the refreshment table. They should be back soon. I'm here with Jessie, you know that cute girl in my English class I told you guys about, and Daniel came with- oh."

Daniel groans then finally explains, "Listen Connie, you don't normally come to this kind of stuff so I didn't think it would be a big deal but I actually came with Stephen."

Steven looks between the two of them confused, Connie is also confused as she and he make brief eye contact before he says, "Uhh no you didn't…? I came with Connie."

"No," Patricia further explains to him, "He means he's here with Stephen Scott."

Connie's brain ignites with understanding. Right! His name had been, or is, Stephen. She had never put that together before. What does that say about her? That the only other boy she has ever gone out is also named Steven, it's just spelled differently? She hopes there isn't a deeper meaning in that.

"I didn't know he also likes guys." She can't think of what else to say. She already knew Daniel and Patricia were both gay.

Daniel looks guilty. "I know you don't like him like that but is this still weird for you?"

"Of course not! It's not like we hate each other or anything. We just went on one sort of bad date."

When Connie says that Steven understands where the awkwardness is coming from between all of them. His free hand gently lifts up to his heart as he fears it will once again be struck with pain. Thankfully despite it speeding up slightly there doesn’t seem to be any major changes. It shouldn’t matter that much. After all it is just a name and neither of them had been given a say in what they were named. Truthfully though he isn’t sure how he feels about the fact that Connie didn’t just go on a date with a different guy, Connie went on a date with a different _Steven_ (or well Stephen).

“You know, snacks sound pretty great right now. I haven’t eaten since lunch and I’m really thirsty too.” Steven barely hears Connie over the blood pounding in his ears. Until she starts to pull him deeper into the room and the words filter into his mind on delay, “Come on, Steven. We’ll catch up with the four of you later.”

“If you’re sure,” Daniel says as Connie is already leading him back into the crowd.

“Alright, see you guys later.” Patricia adds as a couple of people in suits approach her friends. Connie has never spoken to the girl who joins Patricia but the guy who joins Daniel she had spent almost an entire evening with.

“Later,” Connie calls. Steven is silent through the whole interaction. He allows Connie to navigate the room with him in tow. He tries hard to parse out what’s going on inside him. Would it be weird for this to bother him? If it even does bother him. Does it bother him? It’s certainly unexpected. He can understand why she didn’t mention it. Although it had seemed like she didn’t know what Daniel was talking about either. It seems unlikely she would forget his name especially as it’s also the name of her best friend. His name. He’s never met another Steven but he knows his name isn't really rare. He’s starting to feel like this is taking up too much space in his brain.

“He was on model UN with me last year before he had to drop it,” Connie says as they reach the back of the room, nowhere near the refreshments table. “Stephen Carter is still in the club but we used to call them by their last names so we wouldn't mix them up. I guess I got so used to calling him Scott I forgot his first name.”

She reaches out to put her hand on his shoulder, “Are you okay?”

“What? Yeah, of course I am.”

“Steven...”

“It’s alright, Connie.”

“Please don’t try to lie to me. You’re really bad at it.”

Steven sighs heavily, “Fine. It’s kind of weird. I’ve never even met anyone else with the same name as me. So it’s, I don't know, strange to think about you hanging out with someone else who has my name.”

He wonders if she said the other guy's name the same way she says his name. He adores the way she says his name. She always sounds so excited, in awe and full of affection all at once. If he somehow stopped wanting her (which is impossible but hypothetically), she could make him fall back in love with her just by saying his name over and over again. It’s a silly thought. She just told him she knows that guy under a different name so it’s likely she’s never called him Stephen, let alone called him _Steven_. He thinks it should be a type of comfort for him, sharing a name with a regular human boy (or actually two because Connie said there is another one still in her club). He thinks it should make him feel more normal. It’s ruined by the fact that he wants to be the only Steven in Connie’s life. Which he already is. At least he is the only meaningful one. Why does this feel so awful?

“You know, there are lots of guys out there named Stephen. It’s a common name.”

“Is it?”

“Yeah. It might be the only common thing about you actually.”

“What does that mean?”

Connie shrugs with a blush, “You’re special. I’ve never met anyone like you.”

“There’s never _been_ anyone like me.”

“No, probably not.” She moves her hand from his shoulder onto his cheek again, “But not for the reasons you think.”

He wants to ask what those reasons are. Instead he asks, “Do you wanna dance?”

“Depends.” She smirks at him, “With who?”

"With me," Steve says as he gives her a smirk of his own back, pointing a finger at himself before poking that same finger into her midsection right above her hip. That's the spot he knows will guarantee a laugh out of Connie. A giggle fit as she bats his hand away is exactly what he is rewarded with too.

He turns around and pulls her out into the crowd of people who are already dancing. Connie has a hard time deciding which Steven she likes better. The shy one who couldn't even process a kiss on the cheek she had given him before running off to space camp or the bold one who pulled her towards him for a dance on the beach, his hand over his eyes for her comfort. He's very attractive either way. Steven feels absolutely nothing in small increments. Everything about him is big and full of life. This means it's not a shock to her that he leads her to almost the middle of the floor before he grabs both of her hands and for what feels like the thousandth time the two start to spin fast in a circle together.

It's not necessarily dancing but they both love the way the world blurs into nothing as they move while the other remains fully in focus. It becomes difficult to see outside their private circle and so for each of them their dance partner is the only thing with any definition in the world. It's still a bit fuzzy on the edges but they are clearer than anything else around them. It makes it so no one and nothing else exists. All of reality transforms into Steven and Connie. Only Steven and Connie. The magic of it a hybrid of alien and human, just like Steven and for those moments just like Connie.

The spinning quickly becomes a bit too hard to maintain in her shoes and a few near collisions cause a couple stink eyes to be shot their way. They each hide their laughs under one hand while their other hands wave at their almost victims with embarrassed "sorrys." She kicks her shoes off and dashes to leave them with what looks to be a row of other girls' shoes at the edge of the floor. Steven is right behind her and as soon as her shoes are out of her hands he drags her back onto the floor. Their dancing style shifts to actually follow the beat of the music. 

"Nice moves," she says as she watches him dance, "But check this one out."

She does some fancy kind of twirling that she probably picked up from Pearl before switching over to her more modern dance style again.

"Wow, that was cool."

"Thank you." She takes a small bow then raises an eyebrow at him, "So?" 

"So what?"

"Show me what you got."

"Who? Me?" Steven smiles mischievously before he grabs her hand and pulls her closer to him. He holds her hands in his palm to palm while interlacing their fingers, "I dance better with a partner."

She giggles as he leads them along with the upbeat music. She knows he was kidding but dancing with him like this is actually a lot of fun. She loves the way he brings them together and apart. The way he moves her through the crowd as if he knows exactly what he is doing makes her chest flutter again. He isn't embarrassed and that means he moves more freely and as always he takes her along with him. Age has gifted Steven the grace he lacked as a child. He has always loved to dance, he's just _good_ at it now. Or maybe she's so smitten with him that it feels like he's good at it. It's easy for her to follow him at least. She's been doing it for years. He releases one of her hands to twirl her under his arm a few times. He pulls her close to him when he has her hands in his hands again. Then he leads them around in a small, slow circle, their physical contact still at a minimum. "Well?"

"That was pretty impressive."

"Thanks." He gives her that smug smile of his that so rarely makes an appearance on his face. "Charming too, right?"

"Very charming."

The genre of music playing changes to something slower. They stop moving and Connie lets him go to take as big of a step back as she can without bumping into anyone else. She's out of his reach now. Teens around them shuffle closer together and nervously put their hands on each other's bodies. Though a few just hurry off the floor and others stand awkwardly next to their dates, unsure what to do as they look around the dancing crowd.

Steven and Connie try to keep eye contact but they both keep glancing off to the side. They've slow-danced together before, quite a few times actually. They even danced briefly at the reception for Ruby and Sapphire's wedding. Though that one had been cut short. Simply the presence of her parents made her too embarrassed to continue dancing with him. Tonight it holds a different meaning just like so many other things had. Dancing together like that means something it hasn't before. She is not moving and he doesn't want to force her into it. His limited exposure to social situations has resulted in him struggling with boundaries but he can understand this one. He really wants to keep dancing with her. It's made the night so much more comfortable. He's worried about losing that if they stop.

"Do you wanna get a drink or something?" he asks as it starts to get weird that they're just standing in the middle of all the other people dancing.

"No. I want to dance."

Connie isn't entirely sure what gave her pause but with a determined look set on her face she moves into Steven's personal space to grab ahold of his hands. At first he thinks she wants to dance hand to hand again like earlier. Instead she holds tight to one of his hands and places the other low on her hip. Bracing her now free hand on his shoulder, she steps as close to him as she is allowed to without getting scolded by a chaperone. Guys usually lead and he's already proven he has more rhythm than she does so she waits. A second later he understands and moves along with the song taking her with him. Even without her shoes on she's about a half inch to an inch taller than him. They are basically standing eye to eye though. There is nowhere to look but at each other. At least not without it appearing like they are trying to avoid looking at one another. All they can do is run their gaze over each other's faces.

"This is nice," he says after a minute.

"Yeah, it is." She says it but he's not sure she means it.

Normally when they dance they don't face each other like this. Usually there is barely any distance between their bodies as they both rest their chin on the other person's shoulder. Somehow it's more strange to have his hand resting on her side than is it to have their chests and pelvises pressed together. Somehow she would rather be wrapped in his arms as they move than staring into his eyes. This way of dancing is much _less_ intimate physically but much _more_ intimate emotionally.

It's too much for Connie as she fights to keep facing him and Steven senses that. So ignorant of the rules and far stronger than her, he pulls her against him, shifting his head to the side to press her cheek against his own. He puts her hand that's in his hand onto his shoulder as his other one slides off of her hip up onto her back. She giggles as his fingers pass over that ticklish spot on her side. His free hand lands on her back too. It's more like a hug. Out of habit she shifts her hands around to lay against his back up by his shoulders, immediately relaxing into it with her chin on his shoulder and his on her shoulder. This is better because it's how she always dances with him. Not everything between them has to be new. Some things can stay exactly as they've always been. It's perfect which is why she indulges in what she is used to for too long before she remembers that they aren't supposed to do this!

She has to force her way out of his grasp which of course confuses him. It's too late however as a faculty member has already seen them. The song is over and he is on his way to them. It isn't one of her teachers and she hopes he is nice. She waits as his steps pound in her ear. She's confused as she shouldn't be able to hear them over the song that's started. She can though and he is getting bigger. Due to the lights above them his skin turns slightly yellow. Or that's what she thinks is happening at first. Soon though in her vision he is suddenly massive and every part of his body is now a shade of yellow. Her pulse quickens and her breathing is uneven. No one is looking at her and yet she feels eyes around her stinging against her skin. That awful dread makes its claim over her heart again.

In that moment Connie understands. In the next, she runs!


	4. Head Trauma

She doesn't think about it. She can't think about it. Thoughts that make no sense at all travel through her mind like jolts of electricity. Lasting a second but feeling like forever. Seeming so small yet leaving pain and burns behind. She needs to get out of the ball room. She needs to escape from this, escape from them. She needs to find the Gems. She needs to find her sword. She needs to get on a ship. She needs to get home. She can't stay locked in here. She needs to find help. She needs to do _something_.

So she runs.

Faces blur together as she pushes through the dense crowd, switching direction and becoming more and more lost. She trips over the ankle of Stacy from her Math class. She pushes through a couple everyone knows often make out behind the gym. She elbows a Sapphire in the gem on her cheek as she passes. She ducks underneath the arm of an Amethyst who doesn't have time to get out of her way. Her physics teacher reaches for her arm to stop her with a bright Agate stone in her palm and she knocks the hand away. Two tall Jades in a tux and dress that match jump out of her path. None of it matters. She doesn't have time for this.

Finally she breaks away from the group and into open space. There is a wall. She can't break it or walk through it or climb it. Her fingers in her hair, her eyes frantic, the steps getting louder. She doesn't have time to think about any of it so when her body screams "left!" she obeys with a quick turn. Her feet hit the floor too hard. Her fragile humanity will get her killed. She sprints across the room along the walls made with the faces of her classmates. The walls in this place are alive too?! It's horrifying and she wants to scream! That would waste her energy though and she has to survive.

Suddenly their faces and bodies are gone and she is alone. Stopping means death though so she must keep going! She finds a second wall. The heel turn is so quick her head almost spins around because she has to go back. A large window catches her gaze as she does. She has her hands on the latches to open it seemingly without even moving towards it. She is strong enough to unhook the metal clips and shove the window up. It fights her, clearly having not often been used. She prys it open creating a space that will easily fit her. She climbs out and her bare feet hit cold metal. She sees grass below even though it shouldn't be able to grow on the planet. She can't get distracted. She drops to her knees near the hole in the metal floor beneath her. There is a folded ladder. She tries to unfold it out to it's full length but impatience or fear tells her she has to go now. She scurries down it as far as she can and flips to face outward. Looking to the ground she braces herself because she has a better chance of surviving this than isolation in a tower until she starves to death. With no other choice she jumps.

Connie's training was good enough that she knows how to fall, she knows how to move, where to land and what to protect. That doesn't remove all pain from the drop though so she gives herself ten seconds to feel it then her determination assists her back onto her feet as she continues her mad dash to… somewhere. Not here!

She doesn't make it far before she collides full force into someone and almost falls to her back. Whoever it is catches her. Her biceps are being held tight enough to keep her upright on her far too spread apart feet that can't support all of her weight. Their grip is the only thing keeping her from hitting the stone walkway under them.

Connie is once again staring directly into Steven's eyes.

* * *

Steven is not quite sure what had gone wrong. Other than he didn't release her right away when she tried to pull back. It was an accident though. He didn't know until the second push she was trying to get out of his arms. Once he understood that he had let her go immediately. Worry on her face, she turns to the side. He looks that way as well and sees that an adult is making his way over to the two teens. He is walking quickly and with a clear purpose but he doesn't look too upset, maybe a bit annoyed but nothing beyond that. The older man is almost to them when Steven feels someone's shoulder bump his shoulder as they run by him. He turns after them as if it's just some automatic response only to see the person sprinting away from him is Connie!

"Connie?!" he calls in panic. Before he can chase her though the man is in his path. 

"Hold it, young man. Where did the girl you were with go?"

"Oh, uh, um. Bathroom!" is all Steven gets out before he follows her through the crowd. He is faster than she is so he expects to catch her quickly. However it seems she didn't run straight out of the crowd as she is nowhere in sight when he breaks through. He pushes back into the group and tries another direction.

"Con-nie?!" he yells again. He's not even sure she'll hear him over the music and the people but he has to try. At first he throws out "excuse me" and "sorry" as he shoves people aside or apart from each other. He abandons the polite language soon though as he fails to find her. It’s never bothered him before but at this moment he hates being kind of short! He can't see over- oh duh!

Steven's gem glows as he grows until he is over a head taller than even the tallest teenagers around him. Luckily, he sees Connie break out from the crowd seconds after. She faces one way then the other as if she either can't decide between the two or she is looking for something. She is close by and he exits the gathering of people near her after spotting her. His gem glows again as his body returns to normal. He regrets it as it gives Connie another head start on him. She is almost to the other side of the room at that point and he gives chase again. He sees her freeze at a door at the back of the room in a strange nook that’s completely empty and he hopes she will stop, only to see her crawl out the window. He has barely squeezed through the window out onto a fire escape when he sees her leap to grass. She hits the ground and then gets back up to continue running.

Not sure what else to do, Steven launches himself over the side rail of the fire escape to float down and land directly in her path. She doesn't see it and slams into him. He barely moves but she falls backwards from the force. His reflexes act before he thinks about it so he catches her by her arms.

Steven is once again holding Connie in his arms.

* * *

Their breathing is frantic. From an adrenaline rush as they are both far too athletic for a run that short to have tried them out. Their breathing is not in-sync but occasionally they do breath in time and their chests push against each other. In these rare moments they can feel the other's quickening heartbeat. They shift together as if they're one person and she is back to standing up on her feet. However Steven doesn't let her go. Not that it would have mattered since almost as soon as she is steady she barrels into his body while throwing her arms around his shoulders. Her nails are digging into his back as her face is burrowing into his neck. It feels wet and he realizes she is crying. Her whines and sobs are muffled against his neck and the collar of his shirt. He holds her to him with one arm wrapped around her back while his hand is pressed firmly in-between her shoulder blades.

"Connie?" he asks gently.

He doesn't get more than that out, neither does she get to answer him before a different voice from above them calls out loudly, "Connie Maheswaren? Miss Maheswaren?"

Not taking the time to think about it, Steven shifts his arm down until it is just below her butt rather than on her lower back. She complies when he lifts her off the ground, her legs resting on his hips in an automatic response. She seems incapable of walking on her own at that moment. However he doesn't think she wants to be seen like this and he knows neither of them want to be in trouble. He carries her quietly until he has his back against the wall of the building under the fire escape. They are lucky she is still crying into him or she might be heard and as a result they could be found in a position that even he knows would be hard to explain is innocent.

"Miss Maheswaren?" he hears a second time and it sounds even closer. He waits unsure what to do if someone comes out there. Soon though he hears the window being closed and lets himself breathe again.

He considers setting her down but he doesn't think she is ready to let him go meaning he would just be supporting her anyway. Instead he slides into a sitting position with her sitting on his lap. She curls even further into him as soon as they're on the ground. Steven rubs along her back and scratches into her hair as he tries talking to her but he's not sure she can hear it. He knows what this is. She’s coming down from a panic attack. Just because his breakdown included a transformation into a monster doesn't mean he can't recognize it in someone who is not capable of doing that.

Connie isn't sure how she ended up sitting in Steven's lap on the ground when her crying slows to a stop. What she does know is she has been crying uncontrollably for a while and although she couldn't understand him she could hear his comforting voice. She had been cuddling into his body. She remembers touching every part of his torso, shoulders and face as if she were afraid he wasn't really there. The smell of him surrounded her and she breathed it in deeply needing to know he was physically with her. Finally she has calmed down enough to let him go, sit back and realize where she is. She feels heat cover her face. The embarrassment she feels is overwhelming and two-fold because she a.) was caught up in an emotionally vulnerable state and b.) is still a mess of teenage hormones who is currently straddling the lap of another mess of teenage hormones. She rolls off of him and jumps to her feet. She makes an effort to brush off her dress as if she can even fix it. It's not ruined, more in disarray. She isn't looking at Steven until he's standing. She is staring at her feet and sees she wasn't so lucky there. Her bare feet are dirty. She knows her make-up is partially ruined too without even looking. Especially as she can see stains all over Steven's collar and neck.

It's the least important thing in that moment and yet she almost cries again over the fact that now she is a mess. When her peers see her they're going to know that she had a break-down. She's already ashamed of the rumors she knows will be crawling through the halls come Monday morning. Everyone in school will know before the weekend is even over she is an emotional wreck who is unstable enough to run from a dance like a freak. The only comfort she can find is since it is located by the very back exit of the room, it seems no one actually saw her go out the window. Even if no one else sees her, Steven has and that's just as bad. She put so much work into looking good tonight, specifically for him. It’s silly. If she tries to bring it up he’ll laugh and look at her with honest affection in his eyes as he tells her that he still thinks she is beautiful. He is annoyingly sweet like that.

Steven grabs Connie's hand in concern. He is not sure how to handle everything that happened. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah."

"I was being polite. I can see that you're not okay."

He's pushing her the same way she pushes him and one of the last things Connie wants is to be a hypocrite, "No, I'm not okay. I didn't want to be in there anymore."

“So you jumped out a window?”

“Technically I _climbed_ out the window. I _jumped_ off the fire escape.”

"Okay but why? Did I do something wrong?"

 _Yes!_ "No."

"You're not telling me something." He grabs her other hand, "Please talk to me. It scares me when you don't talk to me. I want to help."

"Yeah and we've been over this. That is exactly your problem, Steven." She says it with pain and affection lacing her voice. "You can't handle things that you can't fix! You need to stop trying to save people! Especially when you might not be able to help someone."

"You don't think I can help you?"

She wants to be surprised that is what he took away from what she said but she isn't. "I don't _want_ you to help me."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't want to be another person who dumps their problems on you! Everyone does that to you. You've done nothing but take care of us for years. It's your turn to be taken care of! And I'm not going to be the person who takes that away from you."

Steven shakes his head. He can't believe she sees herself as one of the problems in his life. "You're different, Connie. You've always been different. The Gems are great and so is dad and my other friends but none of them have ever really seen me, at least not the way you do. I like having you around because you make me feel like I’m wanted not like I have to be needed."

It's so romantic and wonderful. _He_ is so romantic and wonderful. She hates it! She doesn't feel worthy of it and wants to push him away. She also wants to pull him closer and to disappear into him again. "That's not the only reason I don't want to tell you."

"What's the other reason?"

"I'm not sure how to answer that."

"Could you try?"

"No, I can't do it."

"Yes, you can. It’s just me."

"I don't want to tell you."

"Why?"

"Because it’s your fault!"

She slams both her hands over her mouth right after she says it. As if she can somehow take the words back. As if she can catch them into her mouth before they reach his ears. She can't believe she said it. After all this time of smiling and keeping it locked deep inside he's finally pried it out. She can't just bury it back inside her again. Steven will never allow that to happen. She feels fresh tears prick the corner of her eyes, shocked she has any left to cry. What does she do now?

“What?" is all he can say.

“I didn't mean that.”

“Then why did you say it?”

“I don’t know.”

“You’re lying.”

“Fine!” she snaps, “I’m lying. I did mean it and I know why I said it!”

“Are you mad at me?”

“Of course not! I mean yes but not- It’s- I don’t know! This doesn’t make sense!”

“Please talk to me. I can handle it. This is easy for me.”

“Well it's not easy for me! It’s hard and it hurts and it’s complicated!”

“But why?”

“Because you took away my entire life and I don’t always know how to feel about you, Steven!”

Steven steps back after she says that. He’s confused, he’s surprised, he’s angry, he’s ashamed but more than anything else he’s hurt. A hurt that runs deep. A hurt that strikes that same spot in his chest that it hit him the other day. He grabs his heart but he is able to withstand the pain like he has most of the agony in his life. This is the worst of it though save for the time his gem was pulled from his body and the time his monstrous form broke through his back. Those are the only things that have hurt worse than the pain that stabs into his chest from her words.

“I’m sorry,” he chokes out, fighting to keep himself upright.

“Steven…” If Steven feels bad then Connie feels worse. If her body responded to pain the way his body has been doing she would be sobbing on her knees unable to stand up. It would feel like every other bone in her body was broken. That's how awful she feels seeing her best friend in pain because of something she said.

“I’m gonna go.” He wipes his face with his sleeve before his tears can fall. “I’ll leave you alone, give you some space to- I’m sorry.”

“NO!” He’s barely taken two steps when she screams. She lunges forward and throws her arms around him, “Please, don’t go.”

“But you just said-”

“I know what I said.” She hugs him tighter, “And now I’m saying stay with me.” 

Slowly Steven hugs her back and holds her for a moment. “Connie?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m confused.”

“Well now you know how I feel.”

"So you hate me and you love me?"

"Don't be silly. I don't hate you." She pulls back from him though she doesn't admit to the truth of the second part. "But nothing is simple with you. Nothing is easy."

She says it to reassure him. He doesn’t feel reassured. The only thing that sticks out is the way she says that one word. Simple. It’s all he can focus on. How tired and exasperated she sounds. How frustrated and exhausted it comes off. It’s as if the word by itself comes with so much strain behind it. Once again her deadly tongue says more than she means it to. It says he isn’t simple. It says he isn’t easy. He’s hard. He’s _work_. She isn't trying to hurt him. But she is. She is hurting him so badly. It's not fair. "And that’s what you want."

“I didn’t say that.”

“Was your last date easy?” he bites back with all the venom he’s been holding back, “You know, the one you didn’t tell me about.”

"Are you actually still hung up on that?” She steps back, offended, “I told you I didn't even know it was a date."

"You still didn't tell me about it."

"Oh apologies, my liege, I wasn't aware I needed to tell you about every single little thing that happens in my life!"

"It's not a little thing and you should have told me!"

"Why? So you could freak out and have some kind of magical heart attack? So you could sulk and obsess over it like you always do? So you could make me feel bad for having a life outside of you?"

"I don't do that!"

"Yes you do! You made me feel bad at the roller rink for hanging out with Patricia and Daniel! You made me feel bad when you proposed because I don’t want to go to college as Stevonnie. You make me feel bad for studying all the time! And now you're making me feel bad that I went to a dance with Scott-”

“Don’t you mean Stephen?”

“Oh my gosh! You just can't stand the idea I went out with someone else, can you?”

"No, I can’t!" Steven snaps as his skin starts to tint pink and tears gather in his eyes. Connie is too upset with him to care though, “I hate it! I hate that you went out with another guy! I hate that you went on a date with another Stephen!"

"I know! You actually made it pretty damn obvious! You're so childish!" She doesn't think she’s ever been this angry at him. "And by the way, I'm allowed to date people who aren't you!"

"I know that! But I don't want you to!" He can feel the tears threatening to fall down his cheeks, "I don't want you to date other people. I want to be with you! And the thought of you being with anyone else breaks my heart."

She sighs heavily. She hates how much this hurts him, "I didn't know it was a date."

"You keep saying that."

“So why don’t you believe me?” He doesn’t answer her and instead just looks down at their feet. "Your proposal really freaked me out and you didn't seem okay either. I felt like telling you would just upset you. So I didn't but I am telling you the truth now. It wasn't a date. I would never lie to you about that.”

“You lied to me before.”

“That’s different.”

“How?”

“It’s-”

“Complicated?!”

“Yes!”

She paces full of rage and pain, “I was minding my own business! I was just reading while my dad was at work! I wasn’t bothering anyone! But no, you couldn’t have that, now could you? You couldn’t have just left me alone! No! Because you just have to be involved in everything. Even when people don’t want you to! Even when nobody asks you to! I didn’t ask! I didn’t ask to get pulled into your problems! I didn’t ask for any of the horrible things that happened to me! And you would have done me the biggest favor of my life by leaving me the fuck alone!”

She yells the last line directly in his face. Steven doubles over and her angry expression drops instantly. He has one hand on his knee to keep him upright while the other clutches desperately at his heart. He is gritting his teeth and groans of pain escape him as his eyes squeeze shut and sweat glistens across his now glowing pink face. He attempts to stand upright only to fail and bend back over. He tries to stand a second time. Again he fails. This time though he is unable to keep his balance and collapses.

“Steven!” Connie is quick. Her reflexes are honed and she grabs his shoulders, softening his fall onto the ground. He is too big and heavy for her to lift him up like she used to but she still has enough strength in her arms to slow the descent. He barely even seems to notice he fell at all let alone that she had caught him on the way down. Soon he’s flat on his back with her hands on his shoulders. He writhes around in pain. She leans over him, unsure what to do.

Steven thought what he felt before was the worst it could get but he was very wrong. This feels like an actual contender for the most pain he has felt in his entire life. He can’t open his eyes. He can’t breathe right. He wants to claw into his body and dig out his heart in hopes it will stop the pain. He thinks his heart might literally burst open and kill him. Is that possible? Could he do that to himself? The thought makes him start to panic. He actually feels like he would rather have his gem ripped from his body or have corruption shred through his back. At least those are pains he understands. This pain surprises him, it makes no sense but it hurts so bad it feels like he’s dying. Connie Maheswaren may have done what no other being has yet managed to do: destroy Steven Universe, simply by breaking his heart.

“Steven?! Steven, answer me! Please, Steven!”

She sounds so scared that he forces his eyes open. He sees the relief on her face seconds after he does. She is kneeling above him. It’s familiar in the worst way. The night sky is gone. Everything is white. In reality they’re surrounded by a small amount of light, but inside his mind they’re bathed in a bright white glow. His heartache fades as fear takes hold instead. He feels like he might cry. He focuses on his breathing. It’s not real. He’s not there. He can’t get himself to breath right until he feels her hand on his cheek. Steven looks over at her as the pain starts to seep out. He’s safe. He is always safe with Connie. She always protects him. She is the reason he’s even alive. Slowly his body relaxes and Connie helps him up until he is sitting.

"Oh my gosh, are you okay?" she asks as she gazes at him, her eyes full of worry and affection with one hand stroking his cheek and the other combing through his hair.

"Yeah." He brushes hair that has come loose from her hair clips out of her eyes, "Or I will be soon. That was just really painful to hear."

"I know and I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have said that." she says as she shifts to sit next to him. They sit there for a moment in silence.

“Were you scared? Just now?” he asks her, “You looked scared.”

“Yeah. I was scared.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. You didn’t do it on purpose.”

“You were scared back then too, right?” He doesn’t think he needs to clarify what he means and thankfully he doesn’t.

“The worst day of my life was when White Diamond pulled out your gem," she says with a nod, not looking at him, "I thought I had lost you. I thought you were gone forever. And even though it was short for fifteen seconds nothing in my life made sense. You were dead and I was helpless.”

"But you weren't helpless,” he says, putting his hand on her shoulder to encourage her to look his way, “I don’t think I would have come back together without you. I don’t know if I would’ve died before I could make it to myself and I don’t know if White would’ve found a way to stop me before I could. _You_ brought me back together. You saved my life!"

"But don't you understand? I shouldn't have had to save your life! I was 13!" She tries to keep her voice under control but she loses it on that word, "I was a child! I was just a child sitting on the beach with my book minding my own business."

"Until I came along."

She sighs.

“The day we met was the best day of my life.” Despite what she says it comes out like a rough, painful groan. She makes a laugh-like sound before she continues, “For the first time someone saw me. Someone finally saw the real me. Someone actually knew I existed. Someone wanted to be my friend. The most amazing guy in the world wanted to be my friend! And he took me on so many wonderful, magical adventures. He made me feel strong and confident. He loved me enough that I learned to love myself. I’m so lucky to have met you.”

She bites her lip. "But I was also trapped at the bottom of the ocean and I was kidnapped. I was stranded on an alien moon. I was imprisoned. I had to fight monsters. I had to see people I care about get hurt or almost get hurt. I almost died a few dozen times before I was even old enough to drive. I had to watch you be taken away from me. Then you died and I had to watch that too.”

She crosses her arms over her knees and leans her chin on them. “I know that's why you're in so much pain. Because of all the awful stuff you saw and had to do and everything we had to go through. I know you didn’t want to hurt me. But I still got hurt! I still am hurt! I still wake up some nights screaming. If I'm lucky enough to wake up and I don't just bruise myself hitting the wall during my nightmares. I have to check every morning to make sure I know where my sword is. I literally can't leave my house unless I check four times. I study in dim light because brighter lights give me anxiety. I have to take my state tests in a special room because the lights in the testing room can give me panic attacks. Sometimes I forget where I am or what I am supposed to be doing. I just disappear inside of myself. My life feels foreign as if none of it is really happening. My life feels too normal to be real. Sure I go to school and live in a comfortable, two-parent, middle-class household. I have friends and college plans. Maybe I look like I have it all figured out but I don't. I’m just as messed up as you are.”

Steven shakes his head as his hand slides to her back, "Except it’s my fault.”

"No! It's not your fault!” She wipes away her tears before they fully form. “It feels like it is sometimes but it’s not. Not at all.”

“But none of it would have happened if you weren’t friends with me.”

“Yeah and I wouldn't change that. If I could go back in time to the moment we met I wouldn't stop you. I would smile while I got to watch the best moment of my life happen all over again. The way I feel about you isn’t simple. I don’t always understand what’s going on inside of me. You aren't like anyone I have ever met. You’re fun and funny. You’re optimistic and you're kind. You’re so incredibly romantic. You see the world like nobody else does. You can make anything feel magical.” She goes dark red and averts her eyes as she awkwardly adds at a low volume, “And I- I think that you’re, you know… hot.”

“Really?” he asks, a partly shy, partly smug smile spreads across his face. He feels a massive boost to his ego that he can’t help even though he knows it isn’t appropriate, “You mean that?”

“Of course I do! Most of the time you make me happy. You make me feel cared for. You make me feel like I belong somewhere. Like I belong with you." Her smile falls as she forces herself to maintain eye contact with him, "But sometimes being around you reminds me of everything we had to go through. Sometimes I get angry at you for everything that happened. Sometimes I get scared these feelings won’t go away. And sometimes I think maybe if I never saw you again it wouldn’t hurt anymore."

“Oh.” His ego boost quickly vanishes. He has a hard time saying his next words but forces them out anyway, "Do you want me to go away?"

"No!” She grabs his arm in a tight claw-like grip, afraid he will walk away again. “It would be so much worse if you did. I can't even imagine my life without you. There’s no way you going away would make me happy.”

“Okay, okay,” he says soothingly, seeing the panic on her face at the thought, “I won’t. I’m not going anywhere.”

Her body sags with relief. She feels silly. She is telling him these awful things as she begs him to stay and listen to her. She means what she says. She can’t picture her life without him in it. As far as she is concerned he is at the very least part of her destiny. She knows she can and will do more but she can’t see a future where he isn’t there, where she doesn’t come home at night to him. Her “not now” was real. Connie is going to spend her life with Steven at her side.

“I'm in the same boat as you, you know,” he says when it seems like she has calmed down.

“What?”

“I can’t imagine not having you in my life either.” He shrugs with a weird uncomfortable smile looking to the side. “I'm terrified of losing you. I'm afraid of you going away to college and meeting someone that you like more than me. Someone more _simple_. So when I heard you say that you went out with this other guy I got scared it was already happening. I got scared thinking I had already lost you. I don't want to stop you from living your life. I don't want to get in the way of your future. I just want to be part of it.”

“I want you to be part of it too!” She puts her hands on his face and turns his head to look at her. “I never want to be without you. I really didn’t know that it was date-date when I said yes.” 

She feels guilty looking into his eyes like this so finally she admits, “But maybe I did kinda lie."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean I figured it was something like that. I knew it wasn’t a ‘just as friends’ thing.”

“You did?” he says, grabbing her hands after she pulls them off his face, “Then why did you go?”

“Because when this,” she starts presenting their held hand to him, “You and me, finally happens it's going to be for life. It's going to be forever. I'll never get the chance to be with another person and the saddest part is I don't even want to be with anyone else. But that doesn't mean letting go of the possibility is easy. Once we’re together, that’s it. There is no turning back. I don't know if I'm ready to commit to a life with you yet."

Connie feels herself start to cry, “You want so much from me. And I want to give it to you. I do but I don’t know if I can.”

“But you want to be with me?” She nods as she fights back her tears and sobs. He nods a few times as well, watching her and thinking. "Connie? 

“Yeah?”

“Can I kiss you?"

"What?” She makes a noise like she can’t believe what he is saying. Mostly because she _can’t_ believe what he is saying. “Why would you ask that?"

"Because I want to kiss you.” He shrugs, not sure what else to say, “But I don't want to do it if you don't want me to so I'm asking if I can first."

"Now?"

"Well, yeah."

She feels like he must be out of his mind. Did he not hear anything she said? Did he just forget the last half an hour happened? She can’t make the thoughts in her head connect into anything remotely coherent. It seems like a ridiculous idea at the very least and a bad idea at the worst but not even the smallest part of her wants to say no and so… 

"Yes."

"Okay."

Awkwardly, Steven gets to his feet then he reaches down to help Connie onto her feet as well. He’s as much of a mess as she is now. His franic grabbing at his chest undid his vest buttons and some of his shirt buttons as well. His collar is still stained by her makeup but it has a few grass stains there as well. His tie is threatening to come undone at any second. His shoes are scuffed up but hopefully those can be buffed out. He also has grass in his hair. There’s some comfort that comes from the fact they look equally disheveled for their first kiss.

Once they’re standing face to face, Steven steps into her personal space and he sees Connie fight not to step back. He has his hands raised and hovering over her frame in different spots. He is trying to figure out what exactly he should be doing with them. Where is it okay for him to touch her? Should he even touch her? This shouldn’t be so hard! He kisses things all the time. That’s different though and he knows it’s different. It’s still the same physical motion though. One he knows how to do quite well. Finally he settles his hands on her shoulders. She doesn’t flinch this time so he figures that’s a good sign. For a half second he considers counting down out loud. Then he realizes how silly that would be so decides to do it internally. Three… two…

Connie is starting to get a little impatient and increasingly nervous by the time Steven presses his mouth against her own. She’s always heard of the magic of first kisses where even though it’s only for a second it seems to last for eons upon eons. Well this kiss is about a second long and it seems to last for about a second as well. It’s quick and hard and she almost doesn’t fully register it’s happening until it’s already over. At least he didn’t make a comical “Muah” noise as he is prone to do. The part she has heard that is true of this kiss however is when he pulls away it feels too soon. Her face moves forward following afterward as if trying to reconnect their lips. Which she realizes probably looks silly a second later and she pulls back embarrassed.

Steven is still holding her shoulders as he looks at her with a shy smile. That was nice. It was a nice first kiss. If he’s being honest he’d expected more fanfare. Bells or fireworks or something. He’s not unsatisfied though and it doesn’t look like Connie is either. This is not how he imagined it would go when it happened but he doesn’t feel like that matters. It still felt nearly perfect. “So-”

“Can I kiss you?”

“What?”

She smirks. “I want to kiss you again and you asked so I’m asking.”

“Okay.” He hears the way his voice shakes with giddiness on the word. He didn’t expect her to want to kiss more than once. 

Connie places her hands on Steven’s chest with his hands still on her shoulders. She leans towards him and connects their mouths again. She holds it for longer than he did. It doesn’t make any sense. Why are they kissing? She just told him she wasn’t sure she was ready for this and yet- He starts to pull back but she follows through this time when she leans after him and gives him another kiss. Once she does he leans back in too. His hold tightens on her shoulders and he pulls her closer. Her hands grab either side of his now open vest and pull him closer too. Their mouths separate for moments only to come back together after short breaths. She’s trying so hard to figure out why she is doing this and why she can’t stop. She’s never kissed anyone before now and it is much better than watching her parents peck here and there made her think it was. She feels light and hot and dizzy. Her body is shaking either from fear or from excitement and she can’t tell which. Not that it matters because still they continue to kiss even as she thinks about all the reasons why she should pull away. She may have kissed him until the sun rose if he didn’t literally take a step back to end their kiss.

Their hands stay in place on each other as they catch their breath. He stares at her wide-eyed. She’s already flushed and it’s the only reason she doesn’t turn red. He is starry-eyed. He tries to contain his smile, she can tell but he isn’t remotely able to. He’s blushing or maybe his face is flushed as well. Either way it’s still embarrassing. Though not as embarrassing as the fact that she didn’t think she had put a lot of lipstick on but apparently she used enough that there's now some on Steven’s mouth. Earlier she was worried about her classmates thinking she was an unstable wreck, now she’s worried if anyone sees them like this they’ll think the two of them did a lot more than kiss out here behind the building.

“Whoa,” Steven says after a long moment as he drops his hands, “That was amazing!”

“Yeah, it was.” Connie also lets him go to cross her arms, feeling silly, embarrassed and giddy all at the same time.

“Good,” he says then asks, “So that wasn’t too much?”

She shakes her head, “No.”

“Alright so let’s just start there.” He tries not to let on how relieved he is that his gamble worked. He knew it was a chance but he had to take it.

“What do you mean?”

“I want to start spending my life with you right now. I want to talk about all the things we’re going to do together. I want us to share everything we feel. I want us to start planning our wedding and to talk about having kids.” Connie starts to curl in on herself and back away from him, so quickly Steven clarifies, “But- but you don’t. You’re not there yet. And if I keep pushing you then maybe you won’t ever get there. You’ve got some stuff you need to work out first. Just like I have some stuff to work out. Pressuring you about this isn’t going to help. So we have to take things slow. One step at a time. Focus on being together today. Then when we're both ready we’ll move on to the next step.”

“What if I think I’m ready but I’m not?”

“Then we’ll go back to the last step.”

“You can’t be happy with that? That’s not what you want?”

“I told you. I’m happy to be with you. I want that more than anything.”

“That’s not fair to you.”

“And me asking you to marry me wasn’t fair to you.” Steven looks upset and ashamed then regains his composure. “A lot of things you’ve had to do for me weren’t fair to you. I can do this for you. I can wait and put what I want after what you need. Honestly, it's probably what I need too.”

"What about all that other stuff I said?" she asks, her composure coming undone, "About how it's your fault and sometimes being with you is hard? Aren't you mad? Aren't you hurt?"

"Well yeah. It hurts a lot, actually. But I still want to be with you.” Then he adds timidly, “Do you still want to be with me?"

"Of course I do,” she answers with passion.

"So we'll do whatever we have to do to work through the way we both feel about all of this."

“But I’m supposed to be taking care of you.”

“I don’t want you to take care of me.” Steven grabs a hold of her hands again, giving her one of those smiles she can never resist. “I want us to take care of each other.”

She is an absolute sap for him. She wants him. She wants to be with him. She wants more out of their relationship. She wants to kiss him again. She _really_ wants to kiss him again. She wants to kiss him and never stop kissing him.

“Why are you so convincing?” she asks somehow both laughing and crying when she does.

“Because you know I’m right.”

“Fine. You’re right.” She bites her lip then gives him a flirty smile. “Kiss me again.”

“Okay,” Steven says with a big, dopey grin before kissing her. Somehow kissing him only gets better the more she does it. It’s still scary. Part of her still wants to run away. She’s still not sure she is ready for this. There are still so many emotions surging through her mind. Not all of which are good. She takes his advice though and she thinks about kissing him. She doesn’t think about what it means. She doesn’t think about what this makes them. She doesn’t worry about kissing him tomorrow or next week. She is kissing him now and that is what matters. She can handle that. She wants that. She can figure the rest out later.

A noise above them causes them to break apart and stare up at the bottom of the fire escape. They stay silent and wait to see if someone has discovered them. However whatever or whoever it was doesn't seem to have any interest in Connie and Steven. They both release the breath they were holding in and face each other again.

"We should probably get back inside," Steven says walking out from under the fire escape onto the walkway. He looks around for a way back into the building without him having to float them back up onto the fire escape.

"I guess we should." Reluctantly Connie follows. She doesn't want to go back to the dance. She’s made a fool of herself and she's a mess. The whole thing has been soured by her behavior and their fight. She'd rather go home but she also isn't ready to say goodnight to Steven.

"Or," he adds, having seen the look on her face, "I could take you somewhere else."

"Like where?" she asks, looking down at her feet, "I have no shoes."

"You don't need shoes at the beach. We could go pick up some dinner. Then take it down to the ocean and eat there. We could dance too if you want. The speakers in my car are really loud." He steps into her space again. "And maybe we could even kiss more."

"Okay so let me get this straight." Connie crosses her arms and squints at him. "You think we should go down to the beach, eat fast food and dance in these completely inappropriate outfits then make out in the backseat of your car?"

"Yeah!"

She can't help but smile with a giggle, "I gotta say, Universe, that sounds like a great first date."

Taking a bow he sticks out his elbow for her to take with a smug look on his face, "Shall we?"

"We shall." She hooks her arm with his and the two follow the pathway around the building back towards the parking lot. They're the same height with her barefoot and him in shoes. She points down at his feet. "I might be fine but are you gonna be okay in the sand with those on?"

"Oh." He looks away embarrassed. "My flip-flops are in my car."

"Of course they are." Connie laughs while shaking her head and walking side by side with Steven. Both of them knowing the rest of the night, and so much more, is still ahead of them.

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback always welcome!


End file.
